Bad, Bad Movies

Blogger Jonco at Bits and Pieces posted a link to this story on UGO about the Worst Actors of All Time (which is limited to men and therefore doesn't include the truly dreadful Jennifer Aniston, but still manages to omit the even worse Gerard Butler). The post got me thinking about bad movies, in general. But not bad, cheap indies like Troll 2 or Manos: Hands of Fate, which exist in their own MST3K category. No, I'm talking about Major Studio, big budget stinkers that have no business existing.

Let's get started, shall we?

The first on my list is the 1976 Dino DeLaurentiis production of King Kong, starring Jeff Bridges, Charles Grodin and Jessica Lange who makes a rather ignominious debut as an actress named Dwan, who is rescued an oil freighter that finds a giant gorilla instead of the oil it's looking for (huh?). DeLaurentiis notably said "Everybody gonna cry when my Kong die." We did, but they were tears of laughter.  He even campaigned to have make-up artist Rick Baker nominated as Best Actor for his performance in the ridiculous ape costume. Directed by John Guillerman (The Towering Inferno; Death on the Nile), the movie is most notable for its terrible acting and even worse special effects.Thankfully, both Bridges and Lange would survive this turkey and go on to Oscar-winning careers. Sadly, this was also the last movie my father, mother, sister and I ever saw as a family. We were all equally excited and disappointed by its cheesiness.

Of course, I've already discussed George Lucas' disastrous Howard the Duck, but a post about the worst movies ever wouldn't be complete without it. Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones and Tim Robbins star in one of Hollywood's worst stinkers, ever.

And since I'm already talking about genre movies, let's add Hugh Jackman in 2004's Van Helsing, a movie that held so much potential but which ended up being a ridiculous, noisy and over-used CGI pile of crap.

Good actors make bad movies on occasion, but it's truly sad when a good actor's last film is as terrible as Raul Julia's last movie, 1994's Streetfighter. Based a video game (never a good idea), Streetfighter features Julia as the dictator of a country named Shadaloo (that's sounds perfectly plausible) and Jean-Claude Van Damme as the hero. Pee-yew!

Of course, not all bad big budget films were made in the last 30 years, Take 1963's Cleopatra, starring acting legends Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and Rex Harrison. Still one of the most expensive movies ever made when adjusted for inflation, Joseph L. Mankeiwicz' epic is an epic fail, by any standard.

And since we're talking Hollywood royalty and bad films, let's not forget Paul Newman's debut film The Silver Chalice, a completely crappy Biblical story for which Newman would later publicly apologize.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'll talk more about these and other films during November's "Turkey Month" posts. And I'll be adding links to this post soon, so you see more of these films' crapitude.

More, anon.

Prospero

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The Continuing Proliferation of Bad Television

It's the end January and the terrible mid-season shows continue to pile up like traffic accidents on an icy highway.

NBC used to have a terrific line-up of comedies on Thursday nights. And while they mostly continue that tradition with "Community;" "30 Rock" and "Parks and Recreation," they have yet to find a fourth show to live up to those particular shows' excellence. "Outsourced" turned out to be a racist and unfunny take on how most American's perceive Indian culture, and the network's newest show "Perfect Couples" is simply a perfect disaster. 

Adorkable (you know what I mean) cub Kyle Bornheimer continues his losing streak, following "Worst Week" and "Romantically Challenged" with this show about three couples who have nothing in common but the men being college buddies. Bornheimer's Dave is in the most sane relationship with his wife Julia (Christine Woods - "Flash Forward"), while David Walton; Mary Elizabeth Ellis; Hayes MacArthur and Olivia Munn ("The Daily Show") play the most dysfunctional couples ever, with MacArthur and Munn the most cloying and annoying of the three.

The episode I DVR'd concerned Dave and Julia's attempt to celebrate their anniversary, while their wacky friends did their best to distract them from doing so. A pre-anniversary 'game night' proves disastrous, ending with the temporary break-up of Walton's and Ellis' characters while exploiting the insipid New Age platitudes of MacArthur's and Munn's. I kept shouting at the TV: "Throw these A-holes out of your house!"

Creators Jon Pollack and Scott Silveri have some impressive writing credits to their names (most notably "Friends"), though this mess isn't one of them. Sadly, Bornheimer and Woods are both likable and talented comedic actors who deserve a better than show this one. "Perfect Couples" is two for two, along with Fox's animated "Bob's Burgers" as the worst of what network TV can be. Happily, David Kelly's new show "Harry's Law," starring Kathy Bates is a winner and the superhero drama "The Cape" at least shows potential (more on both of those shows, soon).

Don't believe me? See for yourself:

Yuck!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Season of the Witch"

Wow! Two movies in one week? I'm on a tear.

I first wrote about Season of the Witch in the fall of 2009, when it was scheduled for release the following March. Then, it seemed to fade away. And suddenly came back with a new release date, 10 months after it was originally scheduled. That should have gotten my spidey senses tingling, but I was intrigued by the possibilities surrounding the premise, so when D suggested we go if his scheduled trip to A.C. was canceled due to the snow, we found ourselves and our friend Heather in the audience of the 8:25 screening tonight.

Set during the Crusades, Season of the Witch stars Nic Cage (another thing which should have set my hackles to "rise") as Behmen and Ron Perlman as Felson, knights who abandon their pledges when they realize the Church is making them kill innocent people (imagine a religion doing something like that... shocking!). While on the lam, they stumble upon a plague-ridden city where the dying Cardinal D'Ambroise (genre legend Christopher Lee) offers them redemption if they'll accompany a priest and a grieving knight as they escort a witch (on whom they blame the plague) to a remote monastery where the monks are to preside over a ritual that will determine the young woman's fate. It was at about this point that I turned to Heather and asked "Is this a Monty Python movie?" At first, the deserters refuse, but Behmen, overtaken with guilt and believing the girl to be innocent, relents and they are soon on the road joined by a swindler as their guide and a pretty altar boy who wants to follow in his father's footsteps and become a knight.

After a promising opening scene, Season of the Witch moves on to a montage of battles and debauchery in which we learn Behmen and Felson are not just great warriors, but best buds. It is then that the cliches simply start to pile atop one another in a slow-moving trek through haunted woods, across rotting bridges and up foreboding mountain trails. As the party begins to thin the CGI ramps up (one character is actually eaten alive by CGI-enhanced wolves - sadly none of them Joe Manganiello) and by the time they reach their destination and the truth about the girl has come out, all hell breaks loose.

At some point, I simply started running a silent version of MST3K in my head until Heather and I couldn't stand it anymore and spent the last 20 minutes of the movie trying to control our hysterics over its cheesiness, much to poor D's consternation. The screenplay by Bragi Schut is so bloated with ridiculous dialog that only Perlman (a seasoned vet of genre campiness) seems to understand it is so crappy, it has to be played for laughs. Cage puts on his best self-important hero persona, making his idiotic dialog all the funnier, though sadly, without a hint of camp irony. Please, will someone get him to lighten up again. he was so funny in Kick-Ass. What happened?

The rest of the cast is completely forgettable, except for Stephen Graham, a British actor who plays the swindler/guide with an inexplicable Brooklyn accent. Newcomers Claire Foy as the girl and Robert Sheehan as the boy are serviceable, while handsome Danish Daddy Ulrich Thomsen manages to be the most convincing period character, though how he manages to get through the movie without breaking into hysterics, is beyond me. Director Dominic Sena (Swordfish) steals ideas and images from dozens of better movies, including Raiders of the Lost Ark; The Mummy; Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'; Drag Me to Hell; The Lord of the Rings and even the terrible The Thirteenth Warrior, making a film that lacks a single moment of originality in either its tone or design. Even the "big effect" creature at the end of the movie is in fact so completely underwhelming, it makes the giant spider at the end of It look like a stroke of genius.

Should you see Season of the Witch? Let me put it this way, if you have home parties where you play your own version of MST3K, then you might want to see it so you can get started on writing the jokes you're going to shout out when you have that party. Otherwise... no, not really.

Season... may not be the first movie I saw in 2011, but it is the first movie I saw that was released in 2011. So how sad it is that I'm starting the year with the first entry of my "Worst of 2011" list? Season of the Witch is a terrible movie, redeemed (if that's even the right word) only by its unintentional hilarity.

Zero stars. Rated PG-13 for "thematic elements, violence and disturbing content."

More, anon.
Prospero

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5 Best and Worst Movies of 2010: Part 1

Sadly, this isn't a post about Best Worst Movie, the hilarious documentary about the cult phenomenon that Troll 2 has become. Even sadder, I have not seen enough movies this year to make a Top Ten list, mostly because there just weren't that many movies that interested me enough to make the effort to go and spend the money to see them.

Still, the year isn't over and there are several films either playing now (Black Swan) or opening soon (The King's Speech) that are on my "must see" list. Ask me at the end of January and I may have a very different list (or at least larger) list of Best and Worst Movies of 2010. 

But for now, it's 5 of each.

Let's start with the 5 Worst Movies of 2010, shall we?

#5 - The Wolfman

Wow, what a cast! Benicio del Toro; Anthony Hopkins; Hugo Weaving; Emily Blunt and Geraldine Chaplin starred in the much-anticipated remake of the 1941 classic that starred Lon Chaney, Jr. Seriously - three Oscar winners, Agent Smith, an acting royal and the creator of the FX for An American Werewolf in London should have combined for a terrific update. Sadly, in the clumsy directorial hands of Joe Johnston (Jurassic Park 3), it's a silly and derivative bore filled with bad dialog and even worse CGI. P.U.

#4 - Alice in Wonderland

Can anyone tell me what happened to the wunderkind that was Tim Burton? Alice in Wonderland should have been a no-brainer, given its amazing source material.* Sadly, Linda Woolverton's feminist revision of Lewis Carroll's brilliant nonsense story only served to let Burton loose with a wild assortment of visuals that do absolutely nothing to serve Carroll's story. I may be one of a handful of people who actually liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but after this mess, I have to admit Burton needs some reigning in.

#3 - Death at a Funeral

In 2007, Frank Oz (Little Shop of Horrors) made a delightfully madcap British comedy about a funeral in which the decedent's family discovers all sorts of terrible secrets about him and themselves. The movie was decidedly British and delightfully hilarious. Just three years later, director Neil LaBute  (The Wicker Man) remade Death at a Funeral for the American black audience. Crass, unfunny and loaded with stereotypes, LaBute's movie is not only completely unnecessary, but insulting to the original.

Here's the trailer for the original:



#2 - A Nightmare on Elm Street

Jackie Earle Haley may be enjoying a career renaissance, but his reinterpretation of Wes Craven's most famous Horror icon Freddy Krueger, will not go down as one of his better performances. Music video director Samuel Bayer takes everything that made the 1984 original so scary and reduces it to a CGI-infused mess devoid of any real human emotion.

#1 - Splice

This was one movie Uncle P really wanted to like. Writer/Director Vincenzo Natali (Cube) got two of my favorite actors, Adrien Brody (King Kong; The Pianist) and Sarah Polley (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen; Dawn of the Dead) to star in this tale that had the potential to be a truly horrifying treatise on genetic engineering and manipulation. Instead, audiences were treated to a silly and sickening movie about which my movie-loving Dear D said: "I hate this movie so much, I never want to see it again." By far, the worst movie released in 2010.

Tomorrow, my picks for the 5 Best Movies of 2010 (so far).

More, anon.
Prospero

*Uncle P is a rabid fan of Carroll's works and loves them like few others do, which led me to watch this mess of a movie in abject horror. I own every version of his works you can imagine, including 'The Annotated Alice." Carroll's skewering of Victorian society and language has inspired me to no end, and I consider myself somewhat of a devotee. That whirring sound you heard every time this movie screened was the poor Reverend Dodgeson spinning in his grave over the bastardization of his work.

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Month: "Blood Freak"

Yes, that is a turkey-headed monster on the poster for Blood Freak, a 1972 anti-drug picture made by religious nutjobs to warn against the dangers of marijuana.

Blood Freak is the story of Herschel (Steve Hawkes), a Vietnam vet who picks up a hitchhiker named Angel (Heather Hughes) on his hog and takes her home. Angel is a religious good girl, who invites Herschel to crash at her pad for a while. Angel's sister Ann (Dana Cullivan) is a bad girl and she turns Herschel onto pot, to which he immediately becomes maniacally addicted. To support his habit, Herschel gets a job at a local turkey processing plant, testing turkey meat. Of course, the turkey place is run by a mad scientist who is trying to create a turkey that's as addictive as pot. When Herschel eats some contaminated turkey - his head turns into a papier mache turkey head!

And if having a papier mache turkey head isn't bad enough, Herschel is now a turkey-vampire who can only survive by drinking the blood of other pot addicts. Naturally, he goes on a killing spree, draining blood from his victims and slurping it up through his papier mache beak from his hands (I guess he couldn't find a straw). Finally, Jesus shows up to teach Herschel the error of his ways and he is saved, upon which he wakes up to discover the whole thing was just a drug-fueled nightmare. 

I wish I was making this one up, but I'm not. Here:

Wow. Poppers, wine and pot. Yep, these are some bad people. Not only does Blood Freak make absolutely no sense, it features some of the worst acting ever committed to celluloid; special effects that would make H.G. Lewis laugh at their amateurishness and several brief appearances by director Brad F. Grintner as the Narrator/Herschel's conscience, who occasionally breaks out into a coughing fit so bad, you wish he'd swallow some codeine-laced cough syrup already:

And mind you, the trailer below was intended to make you want to see this movie:

 

Why do I think the maker's of V8 are indebted to the makers of this film?

Thus endeth the Turkey Month Turkeys. I hope you and yours had a wonderful and delicious Thanksgiving. As always, I have loads to be thankful for, not the least of which are you, my readers. I don't have nearly as many followers as some bloggers, but I am very thankful for the ones I do have. 

Tomorrow is known as Black Friday in the U.S. (presumably because it's the day when retailers' books go into the black ink, rather than the red) and Uncle P will be out looking for holiday bargains (though not at 3 or 4 AM, as many will be). I've already done some Christmas shopping online and have just a few more things to pick up. If they're good enough to share, I'll recount my shopping adventures tomorrow. If not, expect more of the usual nonsense.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Week: "Catwoman"

Poor Halle Berry. Unarguably one of the most beautiful and talented women in Hollywood, she somehow got suckered into starring in this glistening turd of movie.

In the DC Comics' universe, Catwoman is Selina Kyle, a Gotham City jewel thief with a reciprocal crush on the Dark Knight himself, Batman. In this 2004 stinker she's Patience Phillips, a graphic artist working for a cosmetics company run by the evil Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone). When Patience stumbles upon a shameful secret regarding Hedare's latest youth serum, she finds herself in danger. And somehow also finds herself the recipient of mystical powers passed on from Catwomen of the past. What?

Filled with 'ancient Egyptian' hokum; 'girrrrlpower' nonsense and one of the worst costumes in Superhero movie history, Catwoman is undoubtedly the nadir of the Warner Brothers' Batman-related films. Featuring over-the-top performances by Stone as the villain and Benjamin Bratt as the cop/love-interest, Catwoman makes about as much sense as a gorilla wearing a tutu. And what the hell the magnificent Frances Conroy is doing in this movie (other than collecting a paycheck), is beyond me.

Previously, Catwoman has also been portrayed by Julie Newmar; Eartha Kitt; Lee Meriwether and most notably, Michelle Pfieffer (Batman Returns). None of those actresses were nominated for a Razzy, though Berry was. And she showed much grace and humor by actually showing up to accept her award for 'Worst Actress.'

Of course, Catwoman is one of the many villains being bandied about for inclusion in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises. Given the 'realistic' version of Gotham City Nolan has thus-far presented, Catwoman in her original incarnation seems as likely as any other female character in the series. Time will tell...

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Week: "Howard the Duck"

In 1986, George Star Wars Lucas was sure that his next hit would be the big-screen adaptation of the Marvel Comics undergound hit Howard the Duck. Casting Lea Thompson (hot off of Red Dawn and Space Camp); Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Beuller's Day Off) and Tim Robbins (Top Gun) in a story about an extraterrestrial avian brought to Earth via a mad scientist's laser beam, Lucas and company were sure they had a massive hit with this craptatstic adaptation.

While Steve Gerber's randy adult comic book was subversive and original, the adaptation directed by William Huyck (best known for directing the 1979 comedy French Postcards and writing Lucas' first hit American Graffiti) is quite simply a mess of excess. Everything about this movie is so over-the-top (including Thompson's ridiculously huge 80's "big hair"), there's no where to go. While Howard may have worked as a subversive pen-and-ink anti-hero,  but he flopped massively as a a celluloid action hero. And deservedly so, given the excessive effects budget and poorly written screenplay.

Featuring ridiculous performances; really bad special effects; icky inter-species sex and one of the most expensive puppets in film history, Howard the Duck is the one the 1980's worst big-budget movies and (until the later Star Wars films) the nadir of George Lucas' career.

Uncle P knows he saw this movie on VHS in the 80's, but his memories of it are buried deep in the vault of things he'd rather forget. Stupid, vapid and painfully unwatchable, Howard the Duck is perhaps the epitome of everything that was wrong about the 1980's (and that includes rat-tails; parachute pants and jellies).

I'd like to think that even though I was a "New Wave" kid in the 80's, I was still above this kind of lameness, though I'll bet if you ask any of my contemporaries, they'd be just as embarrassed by this crap as I am...

More, anon.

Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Week: "Battlefield Earth"

Have you ever paid money to see a movie that was just awful, but you refused to leave because you had already paid? For your Uncle P, that movie was 2000's Battlefield Earth, a stinker of epic proportions starring John Travolta in a screen adaptation of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's Sci-Fi novel.

Travolta plays Terl, Security Chief of an alien race called the Psychlos, who in the year 3000 have enslaved mankind and are stripping the Earth of its natural resources (as if we aren't doing a good enough job of that, ourselves). The Psychlos are 8 feet tall, use breathing apparatus that look like snot running out their noses and wear dreds because they are apparently big Ziggy Marley fans. Barry Pepper (The Green Mile) is Jonnie, the only human left with any balls, who leads a revolution against the stupid alien overlords. Forest Whittaker (who really should have known better) is a Psychlo named Ker, looking like a mentally challenged Klingon. 

The dialog is ridiculous, the acting is only slightly better than that in a sixth grade Christmas pageant and the "Special Effects" are short-bus special, if you know what I mean. Produced by Travolta to honor his Loony Toons cult's founder and directed by Corey Mandell and J.D. Shapiro (who have 8 credits between them - Mandell never directed again), Battlefield Earth is the kind of movie you watch because you just can't believe it's as bad as your friends tell you it is. Even other Scientologists will tell you that Battlefield Earth stinks -- but only in private, lest their evil alien overlords drag them away for three years of "reconditioning." Check it out:

Travolta's peculiarly high-pitched voiced sounds particularly silly when coming out of that over-sized head.  This movie is so bad, I have literally blocked it's details from my memory. Happily, some one found a way to make it better (or at least tolerable):

Oh, dear. That was just as horrible, wasn't it? Sorry.

If you've never seen Battlefield Earth (and I honestly cannot recommend that you do so), but find yourself compelled to, make sure its the Rifftrax version (and you might want to watch it 4:20...):



More Turkeys, anon.
Prospero

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Why Does This Movie Rate a Sequel?

Wow! What a week! Top Girls has proven a great success (if I do say so, myself) and while I am really tired right now, I am also aware I've been neglecting the Revenge... But all is well in Uncle P's world, so back to whatever passes for normalcy, I guess.

So last October, millions of idiots (many of whose thoughts on film I usually respect) were duped into thinking Paranormal Activity was actually a scary movie. I still have no idea why. 

Boring, predictable and derivative, Paranormal Activity made millions and convinced otherwise sane film goers that it was really scary. Number One on my "Worst Movies of 2009," (my original review can be read here), the $11,000 movie made enough money to prompt distributor Paramount to commission a sequel, written by the original writer/director Oren Pelli. Directing duties

are handled this time by Tod Williams (The Adventures of Sebastian Cole), so perhaps the pacing problems of the first film are resolved here, but I still have my doubts.

Somehow, I think the joke poster above is closer to what we'll get than an actually scary movie. Pelli is once again the screenwriter, and I have my doubts that his skills have improved. And Katie Featherston apparently returns as the only credited actor in this grab for more unsophisticated film goers' dollars. This time, I think I'll wait until Paranormal Activity 2 is available On Demand (which should be sometime in December). In case you're actually interested, here's the trailer, which involves a dog and baby who casts no reflection (?):

'Shocktober' is only a few days away, kiddies and Uncle P is preparing 31 posts on his favorite Horror Movie Directors, so stay tuned. Until then, expect more gayness, more horror and more nonsense, as usual.

More, anon.

Prospero

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The Most Difficult Director's Note Ever

I've been directing for longer than many of my Top Girls actresses have been alive (a fact that is somewhat distressing in and of itself), but I have never before encountered a play that raises more questions than it answers. And, truth be told, Caryl Churchill really doesn't seem interested in answering any of the questions she raises in Top Girls, leaving them instead, up to her audiences to decide.

Of course, art is subjective and should inspire conversation and debate. The human condition may well be constant, but its motives, inspirations and afflictions are myriad. And therein lies the conundrum of Top Girls. Caryl Churchill may well leave the questions up to the audience to decide, but a director and cast must answer at least some of them to create a cohesive and meaningful production.

Pressed by my producer to come up with a Director's Note for this production's program in time to go to press, I found myself (for once), at sea. Regular readers know that Uncle P is rarely one at a lack for words when it comes to expressing my opinions. But my opinions on this particular play are so diverse, it was nigh on impossible to come up with only one page's worth of discussion. In the end, I decided to focus on Churchill's attention on the need for social responsibility and how those that are 'Top Girls' need to be aware of, and nurture those who are not.

Art is one of the few things that connects humans to one another. For all our differences, be they religious; political; sexual or ideological, we all share the need to be productive members of the society in which we live. How we arrive at achieving that goal may vary, but it is ultimately our artistic expressions that connect us to one another.

Of course, all this may very well be idealistic bullshit, in which case I should stop directing and just become a mindless sheep... or not. 

Wow! This entire post now seems little more to me an exercise in semantic masturbation, than anything worth really saying. I wouldn't blame any of you if never read another word I wrote...

To make up for it, here's some gratutious violence:

While that was truly awful, I somehow feel so much better.

More, anon.

Prospero

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Finally Washing Off the 'Star Wars' Stink?

I've been a fan of Israeli-born Natalie Portman ever since her turn as a young girl who hires a hitman for revenge in The Professional. Since then, she's gone on to appear in plenty of films I really like (even if other folks don't), such as Mars Attacks!; Garden State; Cold Mountain; V for Vendetta and The Other Boleyn Girl, among others. 

Unfortunately, she also played Luke and Leia's mother in George Lucas' Star Wars prequel trilogy. Over this holiday weekend, one of the cable networks (I think it's Spike, but don't quote me) has been running these unfortunate films on what seems like a constant loop. Now, I didn't see any of them in a theater, but rather caught them on DVD or HBO. And, like many fans of the original Star Wars trilogy, I hated them. Boring and over-produced, Episodes 1 through 3 seem to spit in the face of the spirit of the original films. Of course, the payoff is seeing terrible actor Hayden Christensen burned by lava before becoming the character we all know and love to hate, Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith. 

Deciding I may have given the new trilogy short shrift upon my initial viewings,  I decided to watch them again today. And I am somewhat saddened to report that they are no better now, than when I first saw them.

It has recently been revealed that Lucas never actually intended to make a trilogy of trilogies, but rather wrote the original Star Wars because he wanted to make a Flash Gordon movie, only to find the rights unavailable. So it should come as no no surprise when 20-odd years later, Lucas sat down to write the series' prequels, he had nothing really worth saying. 

Not that he was the greatest writer to begin with. In fact, one of the original trilogy's most famous lines was ad-libbed by Harrison Ford, after several takes using Lucas' original. But the dialog in the prequels is among Lucas' worst, and poor miss Portman comes off sounding like an ill-bred hillbilly, rather than royalty. And it doesn't help that Christensen's 'skills' as an actor fall far short of the rest of the cast. Though to be fair,  Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee all sound silly spouting Lucas' lame dialog.

Advance reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (The Wrestler) latest film have been pretty much off the charts, and Portman is being touted for an Oscar nomination almost four months before Black Swan's official release date. Having spent five seasons working with NYC Ballet as an actor in their Education programs, I know that ballet dancers can be... odd. Even odder than actors, if you can believe that. Their days are made up of both grueling physical pain and artistic expression, a combination which can make for some intense personalities, especially among it's stars. If you've ever seen The Turning Point, you have some idea of what I'm talking about. So it comes as no surprise to me that Aronofsky should want to explore the dark side of dance... I've seen it up close and personal, as they say, and am looking forward to seeing both his take on it, and Ms. Portman's much ballyhooed performance. In case you've missed it, here's the trailer:

It is my fervent hope that Black Swan will finally be the movie that erases the last three Star Wars films from audiences' collective consciousness, at least as far as Natalie Portman is concerned. Of course, I'm much more excited about her involvement in the film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, than anything. But that's just me...

More, anon.

Prospero

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Even Nomi's Laughing

Okay -- first things first: Why is Cher not billed on this poster? She's without a doubt the biggest star in the movie. And it's not like I'm some fawning Cher queen who thinks she is the be all to end all. Far from it. Yes, we all love her for who she is, but really... she's Cher, bitches. How do Xtina, Veronica Mars and some dopey bint of boyflesh actually rate their names on the poster for what will obviously be one of the worst movies ever made, and poor Little Miss One Name gets no credit at all? All I can think is, she doesn't want any.

Really? A movie about a burlesque theatre in 2010? Writer/director Steven Antin (whose only other directorial credit is the straight-to-video sequel Glass House: The Good Mother) must have been smoking something really good while watching Showgirls to come up with this cinematic shipwreck-in-waiting. I can only think that Joe Ezterhas and Paul Verhoeven are laughing their asses off every time they see the trailer for this movie.

I'm sure you must have seen this trailer before (it's been out for several weeks, now), but take a look again and see if you aren't laughing like a giddy hyena by the end of it:

And what the hell are Stanley Tucci and Alan Cumming doing in this movie? I can't imagine either of them needs the money. I know that work is work, but still...

Uncle P may very well get very wasted and see this movie, if only for its camp value. And I honestly hope that I am proven wrong and Burlesque will turn out to be an amazingly entertaining film... but I'm not counting any chickens, if you know what I mean.

If you want to see a really good, funny movie about Burlesque, put The Night They Raided Minsky's into your NetFlicks queue. I promise you will enjoy it.

Or take a trip to Vegas for Cirque du Soleil's take on Burlesque, Zumanity.

More, anon.
Prospero

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September's Cinematic Suckage

I had a rant all prepared about Prop 8 and the Ground Zero mosque debate, but I have decided that I'm going to keep those opinions to myself -- for now, anyway.

Instead, I'm going to continue my rant about the sad state of movies this summer. I've already whined about the bad movies being foisted upon us this month, but I'm afraid next month looks even worse...

There is not a single movie scheduled for wide release in September which makes me say "I have to see that!"

The first wide release of the month is Robert Rodriguez' Machete on September 3rd, a feature-length movie based on the fake trailer he created for his and Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse. While I found Rodriguez' Planet Terror to be by far the superior of the two films that made up Grindhouse ( Tarantino's Death Proof was just plain boring), there's something about Machete that just seems so... well, for lack of a better word, stupid. I simply have no interest in seeing this movie, despite its (mostly) excellent cast:

I have to wonder how Lohan managed to stay sober enough to make this movie.

September 10's big release is 'director' Paul W.S. Anderson's fourth entry in the video game-inspired Resident Evil series, Resident Evil: Afetrlife 3D. Milla Jovovich (Anderson's wife) reprises her role as the genetically-engineered zombie killer, Alice in this totally unnecessary sequel. Y'all know by now how much I love a good zombie flick (the operative word there being 'good'), but come on:

I'll give it this much: At least the 3D isn't an afterthought, as with so many of this summer's films.

September 17th brings us two major wide releases. Easy A stars another excellent cast in what looks like a completely ridiculous teen comedy loosely based on Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, a book every high-schooler never reads:

Do Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson really need the money that badly?

The 17th also sees the Ben Affleck directed crime drama, The Town, about a woman (Rebecca Hall) who unknowingly falls in love with a man (Affleck) who abducted her in a bank robbery. Jon Hamm, Jeremy Renner and Blake Lively (really?) co-star:

Meh. I'll wait for cable.

The 24th has three major releases about which I could care less, but two limited-release movies I really do want to see. First up, Watchmen director Zack Snyder's CGI family film Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole:

"Lord of the Owls?" Somehow, I don't think even children will be interested in this film.

Then there's Oliver Stone's long-awaited (by some) sequel to Wall Street, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (and what the hell does that title even mean?):

I'm not even going to talk about the Kristin Bell/Jamie Lee Curtis/Sigourney Weaver comedy You Again. It just seems like a complete waste of time and talent, even if Betty White's in it.

The last weekend of September does hold two promising limited-release movies, the first of which is the Ryan Reynolds thriller Buried, about an American who is captured and ransomed by Iraqi hostiles:

And finally there's Howl, starring the sexually ambiguous James Franco as 50's beat poet Allen Ginsberg:

I guess I'll be spending my September movie dollars at the art houses, this year.

And how about you? What movies do you want to see next month? You know I love when you leave me you comments.

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Summer of Suck Continues

I've seen exactly 4 "good" movies this summer: KickAss; Toy Story 3; Despicable Me (both while on vacation, which is why they weren't reviewed) and Inception. I've seen several more that weren't even worth reviewing and one or two that I've panned, because they should have been better than they were.

As we enter the remaining month and a half of the Summer of Movies That Sucked, I don't hold much hope for actually seeing anything good in wide release. Let's see what's left for us in this long, very hot (at least here in the East) summer.

This Friday sees the release of 3 major films. First up: Middle Men, starring Luke Wilson, James Caan and Giovanni Ribisi. Middle Men tells the story of the guys who found a way to make millions off of internet porn:

I have yet to see a trailer for this movie anywhere else but online. I might spend $4.99 to watch it OnDemand, but will not be parting with $10.50 to see it in a theater,

Then there's Step Up 3D (I'm not even going to bother posting a trailer for this insipid movie) and The Other Guys, starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg as two inept cops trying to make their mark. Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson co-star:

Not high on my list.

August 13 sees the Julia Roberts romance Eat Pray Love (meh) as well as Sylvester Stallone's "old guys" actioner The Expendables, which I have have promised to see with D. He's a Stallone freak, but I'm going because my obsession also stars:

But the August movie I most want to see is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Micheal Cera (Juno) stars in this comic book adaptation about a young man who must defeat his true love's "seven evil exes" before she will date him:

Directed by Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead; Hot Fuzz), Scott Pilgrim will either be absolutely brilliant or a total piece of crap. Given Pegg's track record, I'm expecting the former.

On August 18th, Vampires Suck will hit the cineplexes, though if it's anything like its creators ' other films, I imagine Vampire Suck will suck in the worst way imaginable:

I truly hope someone would hit these "filmmakers" with a shovel and put them down.

That Friday sees Nanny McPhee Returns (I've only seen portions of the first one, so I can't give an accurate assessment of the impending sequel); The Switch (starring the Worst Actress in America and Jason Bateman); the African-American comedy Lottery Ticket and French director Alexandre Aja's (High Tension; The Hills Have Eyes; Mirrors) latest, Piranha 3D, a movie I somehow feel compelled to see:

Starring Christopher Lloyd; Elizabeth Shue; Jaws' Richard Dreyfuss; hotties Eli Roth and Jerry O'Connell, Piranha 3D may well be the one 3D movie I might actually enjoy this summer.

The last weekend of the month features only one film I'm actually interested in seeing; The Last Exorcism. Regular readers know that I have never found William Friedkin's brilliant film The Exorcist to be scary in the least (mostly because I don't believe in that hogwash), but I hope this movie will be interesting, if nothing else... Hopefully, special effects have finally caught up with the subject matter:

I'll save the September films for another post, though based on what I've seen so far, this summer is a total bust.

What movies are you looking forward to seeing in what's left of this summer? You know I love to hear from you. Leave me a comment.

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Worst Gaga You'll See This Week.

Okay - I'll admit it... I have become a Lady Gaga fan. Her often hilarious (and sometimes poignant) lyrics and infectious dance beats combined with her outrageous theatricality - not to mention her outspoken views on LGBT issues - have made her a favorite and I look forward to hearing her next CD, whenever that may be.

And there are endless (and endlessly amusing) parodies of her songs and videos out there. Most of them are quite clever. Some of them are even very good. Many of them, are downright terrible. But Michael K over at dlisted, has found what may be the worst Lady Gaga 'tribute' ever made.

Remember this gem from a few hundred posts ago?

Well, I really think Merna may have actually escaped from the psycho who was holding a gun to her dog's head, gained a few pounds, ironed her hair and managed to get into a community college's Video Production class in order to make the video embedded below. Just a warning, it ain't pretty...

Talk about 'Bad Romance.'

I know that not every theatrical, film or video project with which I've been involved was what one might consider 'good." Some of them were downright awful. None of them, however, approached the craptitude of what you have just witnessed (and thankfully, they all took place before YouTube existed). I don't know if the poor girl is delusional or clueless. And honestly, who are any of us to judge? But, really? As a certain 60's space doctor often said, "Oh, the pain... the pain!"

I know I've been away for a few days, but as the JTMF production of Sordid Lives grows closer (now, just about 3 weeks away), I find myself with less and less time for other things. I'll be posting tomorrow (we have the night off) and have tons to post about on Saturday's Zombie Zone. After that, it will be catch-as-catch-can until after the 27th.

And just a head's up - if you're in the New York area in mid-July, please join me and my friends on Sunday, July 18th at Coney Island for my Birthday Blowout. We're meeting in front of The Cyclone at 1:00. Hope to see you there!

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Gayest (and Least Talented) Things You'll See This Week

That's gay director Gregg Araki, who just won the first ever Queer Palm award at Cannes for his latest film Kaboom, which is apparently a Sci-Fi Comedy about sexual awakening. Of course, only Araki would make a Sci-Fi Comedy about sexual awakening. Araki, whose previous films include The Living End; Totally F**ked Up and the beautiful Mysterious Skin has never been one to shy away from controversial topics. In his first film as director, The Living End, a hustler and his new-found lover go on an anarchistic spree of violence and sexual terrorism. In Mysterious Skin, a young man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and a hustler explore their pasts, which happens to involve (among other things) alien abduction.

Kaboom stars Thomas Dekker ("Heroes;" A Nightmare on Elm Street) in lust with his surfer dude roommate (Andy Fischer-Price). There is no American release date, as yet, though I imagine an award at Cannes will change that, rather quickly. If you are unfamiliar with, but interested in seeing Araki's films, I suggest you do so one at a time, with plenty of time in-between to digest them. Some critics have described him as "The Queer David Lynch." And while there are certain surrealist moments in his films that may well evoke Lynch, Araki's personal stamp is all over ever one of his movies. Below is a clip from Kaboom:

Moving from Film to Television, here is yet another reason to love "Glee." For those not in the know, Kurt (Chis Colfer) is a gay high-schooler whose father (Mike O'Malley) is working very hard to accept his son's sexual orientation. Dad has moved his new girlfriend into their home. New girlfriend just happens to be the mother of Kurt's object of affection, football star Finn (Corey Monteith). When Finn is forced to live with Kurt, tension ensues, but Kurt's enlightened blue-collar dad steps in. I have yet to watch this week's Lady Gaga-centric episode (it's DVR'ed), but just seeing this scene was enough to make me cry (via):



Finally, as part of a post on Kindertrauma, blogger Uncle Lancifer included this clip with his review of the repulsive horror movie Human Centipede. It proves that not every member of a musical dynasty actually has talent. Please enjoy (?) Rebbie Jackson's "Centipede:"



I don't know what would be worse; sitting through a screening of Human Centipede or sitting through a Rebbie Jackson concert. Rebbie may actually be the only black woman without any sense of rhythm whatsoever.

More nonsense, anon.
Prospero

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Movies I Won't Be Seeing This Summer

Is it just me, or are movies getting more and more terrible? Just look at some of the movies slated for release this year. Remakes; sequels; adaptations of long-canceled TV shows; 3D crapfests; video game movies and low-bow comedies. At least last summer we had some originality. This summer? The most interesting trailer I've seen is for Splice, which has two very talented stars (Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley) and some terrific-looking effects, but is nothing new, plot-wise. Honestly, that plot was created by an 18 year-old girl in 1816.

Is originality dead in Hollywood? It sure seems that way. Even the biggest movie so far this year is a sequel, and a disappointing one at that, according to most film critics. While many friends have told me that Iron Man 2 is a whole lotta fun, it appears to lack the intelligent humor of the original and goes for spectacular visuals in lieu of real human emotion, something the first Iron Man was so good at capturing.

Let's take a look at the trailers for some the movies coming up in the next few months. If you see one that makes you say "I HAVE to see that!" I'll give you a dollar.

First up, the fourth installment of the Shrek saga, Shrek Forever After:

Of course, it's in 3D -- yeuch! But since we started with a sequel, let's take a look at yet another, Predators from director Robert Rodriguez:

Okay. An interesting cast, but is there really anything new to be mined from this franchise? I can't imagine that there is.

Moving on from sequels to remakes, currently playing is the Ridley Scott helmed version of Robin Hood, which is being touted as an origin story:

Okay. I'll give Scott his props -- he made four important 20th Century films (Alien; Blade Runner; Thelma and Louise and Gladiator). But Russell Crowe is an a-hole who doesn't deserve the fans he has and by all accounts, this version of Robin Hood is even worse than Costner's or Brooks'. Pass.

Then there's The Karate Kid. I have to admit that I'm not exactly a fan of the original, though I certainly know a "wax-on, wax-off" reference when I hear it. And there was a certain charming cheese factor to the original, even if Ralph Macchio never did it for me. The new version, starring Jackie Chan and Jaden (son of Will) Smith looks just ridiculous:

Can you say "Unnecessary?"

And speaking of unnecessary, how about a big-screen version of a small screen failure? Yes, the original TV series "The A-Team" has many fans, most of whom were also fans of the equally lame "The Dukes of Hazzard" (and we all know how good that movie was). Still, the only things this movie has going for it are the exceptionally hot Bradley Cooper and star-in-the-making Sharlto Copely:

Really? A tank on parachutes? Must some damn heavy-duty nylon.

And how about those video game movies? Well, there's gorgeous Jake Gyllenhall in Disney's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. An all-American actor playing an Iranian prince with a decidedly British accent in a movie based on a video game... Really? Well, at least Uwe Boll has nothing to do with this one:

And then there's M. Night Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong's version of Avatar: The Last Airbender. The last Shyamalan film I saw in a theater was The Village, and I actually stood up and booed at the end. And The Happening was ridiculed by almost everyone who saw it. I just can't imagine this anime adaptation will be any less silly:

Dear Hollywood: Stop Sucking! Sincerely, Prospero.

I do have hopes that there will be one or two good Hollywood movies this year, though I am doubtful, at best. At least we have Christopher Nolan's Inception to look forward to:

I suppose I'll spend most of my summer dollars seeing live theatre and occasional art film, this year. Or maybe I'll just stay home and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark; The Dark Knight; The Prestige and Bringing Up Baby on DVD.

More, anon.
Prospero

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