The Reviews Are In

And they ain't pretty. 

On what was supposed to have been the opening day of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, now postponed until March 15th and still in previews since November, national theatre critics could no longer hold their tongues and let the vitriol spill toward this ill-conceived (if not downright stupid) musical.

Most vicious was Ben Brantly at the New York Times (full review here) who said the show is "...so grievously broken in every aspect that it is beyond repair." And "...only when things go wrong in this production does it remotely feel right - if, by right, one means entertaining." Yikes!

Less nasty, but equally disdainful, Charles McNulty of the L.A. Times said "Incoherence isn't much fun to sit through." He also says the show's failure "...rests squarely on Taymor's run-amok direction." McNulty's full review is here. Meanwhile, Chris Jones of the Chicago Tribune writes that show's woes boil down to "...an incoherent story." Jones seems to genuinely want to like the show in his review, but just can't. Peter Marks in The Washington Post laments "...the creature that most often spreads its wings at the Foxwoods (Theatre) is a Turkey" and that "...its more appropriate home might be off a highway in Orlando." (Ouch!)

Personally, I've said from the first moment I heard about the show that it was destined for failure. And while I may delight in a sense of schadenfreude (a word I've been using a lot, lately), I can't help but feel bad for the hardworking cast and crew of Spider-Man. I know from personal experience how tough it can be to put a show a together. But I also know that without a story to hold the audience's interest and without characters to whom they can relate, no amount of spectacle can save a bad show. I'll admit, Taymor's visuals are unparalleled and when they work (as in The Lion King and Titus) they do so beautifully.Of course, the crtics are also faulting the mostly forgettable score by U2's Bono and The Edge, citing only a few numbers as worthy of a Broadway musical, while being exceptionally kind to the cast who seem to be struggling against almost insurmountable technical, musical and scriptural issues. Honestly, I feel really badly for the poor schlubs who are contractually obligated to appear in this disaster night after night. It can't be much fun, knowing you're in the worst Broadway musical since Carrie. Sadly, all fault with the show seems to lie with Taymor and her insane vision, a lesson future backers will certainly have in mind when she proposes her next Broadway debacle.

Hopefully, this will be my final rant about this particular show. I'm also hoping that the upcoming production of the Australian import Priscilla: Queen of the Desert will outshine and eventually overshadow Spider-Man by its sheer fabulousness alone (and can guarantee it will be the show I'm willing to shill $100+ to see over Taymor's monstrosity). 

Still, I will somehow sleep easier knowing that I was right all along, and that superheroes have no serious place on the Broadway stage... Just ask the producers of It's a Bird... It's a Plane...

More, anon.
Prospero

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TV Review: Face Off

I hardly qualify as a "reality" TV fan. In fact, I know I've ranted about it here, more than once. I think shows like "The Bachelor/The Bachelorette;" "Survivor" and (certainly the worst offender of all time) "The Jersey Shore" are reprehensible and signs that Western Civilization as we know it is on its last legs. All that having been said, I do actually watch a few of the competition shows, mostly on The Food Network. I love the challenges given in the form of bizarre ingredients to the chefs on "Chopped" and find myself fascinated by the people on "Worst Cooks in America," mostly because I have been cooking since a rather young age and thanks to my mother and paternal grandmother, consider myself quite handy in the kitchen and am actually appalled by the lack of basic skills displayed by the contestants.

Now, Syfy (I still can't get used to that name) has entered the fray with "Face Off," a competition show for special effects makeup artists. Many years ago, Uncle P considered entering the field of SFX Makeup. My fascination with movie makeup started as child with the Universal Monster Classics. I grew up in awe of folks like Bud Westmore, Charles Pierce, Rick Baker and the legendary Tom Savini. All through college, I was the go-to guy for special makeups in shows like The Apple Tree; RUR and Ladies in Retirement. I did an independent study in Prosthetic Makeup (which required an excruciatingly difficult Anatomy class) and actually thought I might have a career in the field. Sadly, my sculptural skills were lacking and while I could draw a fairly decent representation of the effect I was going for and had (and still do have) some mad skills with a makeup brush, my hands just couldn't recreate in clay what they were able to draw in charcoal. Still, if I'm in or directing a a show which requires painted makeup effects, I'm the guy who ends up doing them. And that's OK.

So, I must admit admit to being quite jealous of the contestants on "Face Off." All of them have been working as professional FX artists on independent and/or major films and have some mad skills of their own, though a few are obviously more skilled and talented than the others. I've seen the first two episodes so far and have already decided on my favorites. Each episode features an Immunity Challenge and a Spotlight Challenge. The winner of the first challenge gets an automatic pass in the Spotlight Challenge, no matter how good or bad his or her work is. In the first episode, I immediately found myself disliking the lazy and undeservedly cocky Frank, who seems to want to do as little as possible and almost actually forfeited the challenge in Episode 2. Of course, I found the impossibly handsome Connor at the top of my list of favorites, along with the talented Anthony. Most of the contestants have multiple credits on IMDb; some on major films, though most on indie, straight-to-DVD schlock movies. 

The first episode's Spotlight Challenge involved turning a model into Human/Animal hybrid, while the second concerned full body painting on a nude model. Jerk Frank refused to paint his male model's front, placing a lampshade on his head to add insult to injury. Still, he survived the cut, though I don't imagine (or hope) he'll last to the end.

The Grand Prize winner will supposedly go on to a massive career in the SFX industry, though since the advent of CGI, special makeup effects aren't the booming industry they were in the 80's (yet another reason to be glad I didn't pursue that particular career path). And while it's quite easy to sit back in the comfort of my living room and judge the contestants' skills, I know it can't be easy for them to produce quality work week after week, especially given the time constraints imposed upon them. But I am very much enjoying watching them try. 

The show is ably hosted by Bud Westmore's granddaughter McKenzie and judged by three Oscar-winning Make Up Artists: Ve Neil; Glen Hetrick and Patirick Tatopuolis, and features a fourth specialty judge for each challenge. For a Fantasy/Horror/Sci-Fi geek with at least some insight into the industry, "Face Off" is a fun (if somewhat cheesy) peek inside the industry.

I hope the show continues to be the fascinating look into the creative process that it's been so far and I can't wait to see what happens when the contestants get into sculpting and molding  prosthetics. Or when the challenges (hopefully) become more subtle. Six episodes remain, though I think I have a good idea of who will win, already. "Face Off" airs Wednesdays at 10 PM Eastern on Syfy.

More, anon.

Prospero

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The Continuing Proliferation of Bad Television

It's the end January and the terrible mid-season shows continue to pile up like traffic accidents on an icy highway.

NBC used to have a terrific line-up of comedies on Thursday nights. And while they mostly continue that tradition with "Community;" "30 Rock" and "Parks and Recreation," they have yet to find a fourth show to live up to those particular shows' excellence. "Outsourced" turned out to be a racist and unfunny take on how most American's perceive Indian culture, and the network's newest show "Perfect Couples" is simply a perfect disaster. 

Adorkable (you know what I mean) cub Kyle Bornheimer continues his losing streak, following "Worst Week" and "Romantically Challenged" with this show about three couples who have nothing in common but the men being college buddies. Bornheimer's Dave is in the most sane relationship with his wife Julia (Christine Woods - "Flash Forward"), while David Walton; Mary Elizabeth Ellis; Hayes MacArthur and Olivia Munn ("The Daily Show") play the most dysfunctional couples ever, with MacArthur and Munn the most cloying and annoying of the three.

The episode I DVR'd concerned Dave and Julia's attempt to celebrate their anniversary, while their wacky friends did their best to distract them from doing so. A pre-anniversary 'game night' proves disastrous, ending with the temporary break-up of Walton's and Ellis' characters while exploiting the insipid New Age platitudes of MacArthur's and Munn's. I kept shouting at the TV: "Throw these A-holes out of your house!"

Creators Jon Pollack and Scott Silveri have some impressive writing credits to their names (most notably "Friends"), though this mess isn't one of them. Sadly, Bornheimer and Woods are both likable and talented comedic actors who deserve a better than show this one. "Perfect Couples" is two for two, along with Fox's animated "Bob's Burgers" as the worst of what network TV can be. Happily, David Kelly's new show "Harry's Law," starring Kathy Bates is a winner and the superhero drama "The Cape" at least shows potential (more on both of those shows, soon).

Don't believe me? See for yourself:

Yuck!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Black Swan" (Plus Some Movie Etiquette Advice)

I took myself to the movies today to finally see Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky's psychological thriller set in the world of professional ballet. While I am hardly a dancer by any means, I did spend four seasons acting for the NYC Ballet and have performed in that magnificent Lincoln Center theatre, so I'd like to think I have a little insight into the subject matter.

Ballet dancers are very unlike actors in that while they understand technique and performance, they have no clue as to how to access character. And such is the problem with Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), a featured soloist who so very much covets the role of the Swan Queen in the company's upcoming production of 'Swan Lake.' Company director Thomas (Vincent Cassel) sees great promise in Nina, whose technique is nearly perfect, but who has no idea how to access the passion required to dance the role in which she has been cast.

That may well be because her insanely over-protective passive-aggressive mother (Barbara Hershey) has kept her sheltered in their cramped apartment for most of her life.  When new dancer Lily (Mila Kunis) joins the company, the stakes are raised and Nina begins to push herself harder than ever. So hard, in fact, that she becomes obsessed to the point-of-no-return.

Nina soon begins to exhibit signs of instability, starting with a series of scratches on her back and leading to... well, see the movie for yourself. Needless to say, Nina's descent into madness is a harrowing thing to watch. It doesn't help that the company's bitter former Prima Ballerina (Winona Ryder) attempts suicide, resulting in an ugly wound to her leg which ensures she'll never dance again.

Portman's performance here is simply breathtaking and she certainly deserves every accolade she's been given, including last night's Golden Globe win. It actually saddens me that her follow-up is in what looks like a completely lame romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. Cassel is appropriately creepy as the pompous director and Kunis has come a long way from her "That 70's Show" roots, embodying the role of the calculating upstart in a dance version of All About Eve. Hershey gives the most over-the-top performance as the smothering Mother From Hell. Ryder isn't given much to do other than to play bitter, but she does so with a certain panache only she could bring to the role. Aronofsky's direction is spot on, even if he is a bit heavy-handed with the black & white imagery and the proliferation of swan figures in as many scenes as he could manage. One can only imagine how much darker (and it's pretty dark) this film could have been in the hands of say, David Fincher or Christopher Nolan. **** (Four Out of Four Stars). Black Swan is rated "R" for Strong Sexual Content. 

And now on to the second part of this post - Movie-Going Etiquette:

I may well have enjoyed this film much more than I did if it weren't for the neanderthal seated directly to my left. The auditorium was crowded because it was both a holiday and Portman's win at the Golden Globes. The person (I refuse to use the word 'gentleman') seated on my left was the worst kind of movie patron. He spent the first half of the film grunting and snorting his way through his bag of popcorn, poking me in the ribs with his elbow every time he reached into his bag. He gabbed to his companion constantly, commenting on the movie and questioning things he didn't understand. When he finally set his empty popcorn bag on the floor, he made much of wiping his hands on about a dozen napkins, before toting out his Smartphone to check his messages.

So - a note to movie-goers everywhere. YOU ARE NOT AT HOME! You are sharing a film experience with people who have paid the same amount as you to see a movie. The rest of us don't care what you think (or don't understand) about the film. We don't want to listen to you eating like a sow at the trough; we don't want to be poked by your elbow or blinded by the light from your phone. We want to see the movie without you intruding on it like some annoying gopher spoiling our gardens. If you cannot be civil in public, then stay home and burp and fart your way through movies on DVD or Pay Per View. We paid to see a movie, not listen to your bodily functions.

Rant over. If you have yet to see Black Swan, then I urge you to do so. It's certainly one of the most disturbing and brilliant films you'll see in a long time. Just try to see it as far away from an idiot as you can.

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Worst New Show of 2011 (Already)

The picture says it all. Fox TV's latest animated series "Bob's Burgers" is simply dreadful, despite the presence of the usually hilarious YouTube sensation John Roberts as the voice of Bob's wife, Linda.

Stupid, poorly animated and plain unfunny, the first episode of "Bob's Burgers" concerns a rumor (started by Bob's own daughter) that Bob serves burgers made of human flesh. In better hands, this could be a very funny premise. In the hands of show runners Loren Bouchard and Jim Dautrieve, it's an exercise in poor taste and unfunniness.

To counteract the bad Fox show, I have DVR'd the first two episodes of NBC's newest Superhero series "The Cape." Based on what I've seen so far, I don't hold out much hope for it. Still, I look forward to them proving me wrong.

And speaking of TV, did you see the latest episode of ABC's "V?" Not only did we get to see Anna's reptilian tail take out a traitor, but original "V" cast member Jane Badler showed up as Anna's mother! Finally, the kind of weirdness the show needs to push it to the forefront of TV Sci-Fi. I'm looking forward to what the series has to offer in the next months.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Season of the Witch"

Wow! Two movies in one week? I'm on a tear.

I first wrote about Season of the Witch in the fall of 2009, when it was scheduled for release the following March. Then, it seemed to fade away. And suddenly came back with a new release date, 10 months after it was originally scheduled. That should have gotten my spidey senses tingling, but I was intrigued by the possibilities surrounding the premise, so when D suggested we go if his scheduled trip to A.C. was canceled due to the snow, we found ourselves and our friend Heather in the audience of the 8:25 screening tonight.

Set during the Crusades, Season of the Witch stars Nic Cage (another thing which should have set my hackles to "rise") as Behmen and Ron Perlman as Felson, knights who abandon their pledges when they realize the Church is making them kill innocent people (imagine a religion doing something like that... shocking!). While on the lam, they stumble upon a plague-ridden city where the dying Cardinal D'Ambroise (genre legend Christopher Lee) offers them redemption if they'll accompany a priest and a grieving knight as they escort a witch (on whom they blame the plague) to a remote monastery where the monks are to preside over a ritual that will determine the young woman's fate. It was at about this point that I turned to Heather and asked "Is this a Monty Python movie?" At first, the deserters refuse, but Behmen, overtaken with guilt and believing the girl to be innocent, relents and they are soon on the road joined by a swindler as their guide and a pretty altar boy who wants to follow in his father's footsteps and become a knight.

After a promising opening scene, Season of the Witch moves on to a montage of battles and debauchery in which we learn Behmen and Felson are not just great warriors, but best buds. It is then that the cliches simply start to pile atop one another in a slow-moving trek through haunted woods, across rotting bridges and up foreboding mountain trails. As the party begins to thin the CGI ramps up (one character is actually eaten alive by CGI-enhanced wolves - sadly none of them Joe Manganiello) and by the time they reach their destination and the truth about the girl has come out, all hell breaks loose.

At some point, I simply started running a silent version of MST3K in my head until Heather and I couldn't stand it anymore and spent the last 20 minutes of the movie trying to control our hysterics over its cheesiness, much to poor D's consternation. The screenplay by Bragi Schut is so bloated with ridiculous dialog that only Perlman (a seasoned vet of genre campiness) seems to understand it is so crappy, it has to be played for laughs. Cage puts on his best self-important hero persona, making his idiotic dialog all the funnier, though sadly, without a hint of camp irony. Please, will someone get him to lighten up again. he was so funny in Kick-Ass. What happened?

The rest of the cast is completely forgettable, except for Stephen Graham, a British actor who plays the swindler/guide with an inexplicable Brooklyn accent. Newcomers Claire Foy as the girl and Robert Sheehan as the boy are serviceable, while handsome Danish Daddy Ulrich Thomsen manages to be the most convincing period character, though how he manages to get through the movie without breaking into hysterics, is beyond me. Director Dominic Sena (Swordfish) steals ideas and images from dozens of better movies, including Raiders of the Lost Ark; The Mummy; Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'; Drag Me to Hell; The Lord of the Rings and even the terrible The Thirteenth Warrior, making a film that lacks a single moment of originality in either its tone or design. Even the "big effect" creature at the end of the movie is in fact so completely underwhelming, it makes the giant spider at the end of It look like a stroke of genius.

Should you see Season of the Witch? Let me put it this way, if you have home parties where you play your own version of MST3K, then you might want to see it so you can get started on writing the jokes you're going to shout out when you have that party. Otherwise... no, not really.

Season... may not be the first movie I saw in 2011, but it is the first movie I saw that was released in 2011. So how sad it is that I'm starting the year with the first entry of my "Worst of 2011" list? Season of the Witch is a terrible movie, redeemed (if that's even the right word) only by its unintentional hilarity.

Zero stars. Rated PG-13 for "thematic elements, violence and disturbing content."

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "True Grit"

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm what is politely referred to as a "genre guy" when it comes to entertainment; specifically the Nerd Trinity: Fantasy/Horror/Sci-Fi. But I also love plenty of other kinds of movies from all sorts of genres and long-time readers know I try see a balance of movies.

That's not to say I'm always willing to step out of my magic circle when it comes to other genres. War pictures are generally right out. As the children of a man who grew up during and subsequently became fascinated with WWII, my sister and I suffered through every episode of PBS' "The World at War" at least 20 times, while listening to our father espouse on military strategy like he was Alexander. I've never seen Saving Private Ryan; Full Metal Jacket or Platoon and have no intentions of doing so. Heresy, you say? You didn't grew up in Uncle P's house, so don't judge.

Of course, my father was a child of his time and he also loved the Universal Horror movies; Buck Rogers serials and Westerns.

To be honest, I can take or leave Westerns. Especially those of the Tom Mix and Roy Rogers type on which Dad was raised -- "You'd get a newsreel; a cartoon; a serial; another cartoon; the B picture and then the A picture. You were in that seat for all damned day for a quarter, which included popcorn!" Anyway, I can count on a hand a half the Westerns I really like a lot while filling the other half with Westerns I can sit through: Unforgiven; The Wild Bunch; The Outlaw Josie Wales; a few others. As a kid, I loved True Grit, though I can't exactly tell you why. 1968's True Grit won John Wayne his only Oscar as U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn. Wayne played himself, as he always did, so we must suspect that he won for his body of work, rather than his skills as a Thespian.

The Coen Brothers' new film -- based on the same novel -- is neither a remake, nor a "re-imagining" but rather a more faithful adaption of Charles Portis' novel about an extraordinary young lady taking on an extraordinary task -- avenging her father's murder. Taking over for the Duke is the Dude, Jeff Bridges as the hard drinking, one-eyed Reuben 'Rooster' Cogburn. The extraordinary young lady is Mattie Ross, played in the 1968 version by Kim Darby (Don't Be Afraid of the Dark; Better Off Dead). Newcomer Hailee Steinfeld is the 14 year-old Mattie in the new film; a determined little powerhouse who can quote law books, speaks Latin and can broker a deal that would shame Old Scratch himself. Mature beyond her years and tenacious as all get out, Mattie refuses to take "No" for an answer in hiring Cogburn to track down her father's killer. Meanwhile, Texas Ranger LeBeouf (pronounced Le-Beef) has been trailing the same man for murdering a politician in Texas. Both LeBeouf and Cogburn encourage Mattie to go home, but she refuses and ends up accompanying the two men into the Choctaw Territories in search of their man, who has apparently taken up with a man Cogburn has been after, as well. D and I saw it tonight as part of our Holiday get-together and we both agreed on how good it really was, meeting his and exceeding my expectations.

So, first of all... Yes, Bridges and Damon are so very good in this film and very much deserve the Oscars for which they are both likely to be nominated and I will talk about them both (and others) in bit. But this is Ms Steinfeld's movie and she shines in a debut performance that will be remembered for a very long time. While Ms Darby played Mattie as a meek thing finally asserting herself, Steinfeld plays her as an assertive, no-nonsense woman on a mission which she is not about to abort, no matter what. One of her best moments is near the end of the film; after all the hangings, stabbings and shootings she's seen (semi-spoiler alert) something happens that finally lets us see the little girl inside. Steinfeld's accent, mannerisms and delivery are so dead on, one might think she stepped right out of 19th Century Arkansas. I am making a bold prediction for a long and wonderful career for Ms Steinfeld.

Much has been made of Damon's performance as the almost foppish LeBeouf and I certainly agree that it's another in a growing line of great performances from an actor I am growing to love more and more. Of course, the question on everyone's mind - how is Bridges as Rooster? Well, I'm here to tell you that he's just terrific. The seasoned veteran simply goes to work and puts his own amazing take on the character. Yes, it's more Dude than Duke but in the hands of the Coens, that's a really good thing. A drunker and more garrulous Cogburn than Wayne, Bridges plays him as a lonely old coot who is wont to run at the mouth who just maybe sees a spark of his own youthful self in young Mattie, who can roll his cigarettes almost with looking.  An almost unrecognizable Barry Pepper is Lucky Ned, leader of the gang and Josh Brolin is the man Mattie wants dead. Both are excellent here and Brolin should be glad to end his year with an actually good Western. Of course, every aging character actor around shows up in one form or another, most notably Ed Corbin in a hilarious bit as The Bear Man; Jariath Conroy as the Undertaker and Leon Rossum as the Sheriff.

The production design is both elegant and appropriately dire and the Coens' go-to Cinematographer Roger Deakins doesn't waste a single opportunity to capture the vast wilderness that was (and in some places still is) the Southwest at the turn of the last century. Often very funny but valiantly poignant, I must now amend my growing list of Top Ten Movies of 2010. And I am officially starting the campaign to nominate Hailee Steinfeld for "Best Actress."  **** (Four out of Four Stars). True Grit is rated PG-13 for "intense sequences of Western violence" See this movie!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Mini-Review: "Due Date"

Matty and I finally managed to get together to see a movie tonight. We had a list of about 6 movies we both wanted to see and finally narrowed it down to Due Date, mostly because we were in the mood to laugh.

Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) stars as uptight architect Peter Highman, who is on his way home to L.A. from Atalanta to attend the birth of his first child. A chance encounter at the airport with wannabe actor Ethan Tremblay (Zach Galifianakis) leads to both of them ending up on the No-Fly list and forcing them to travel across the country together, much like Steve Martin and John Candy in John Hughes' superior 1987 film Planes, Trains and Automobiles. 

Ethan is obsessed with "Two and a Half Men," carries his father's ashes in a coffee can and is addicted to pot. He thinks the Grand Canyon was man made, the Pilgrims built Hoover Dam and that Shakespeare was a pirate who was actually named 'Shakes Beard.' He's the type of eccentric moron that would have been played by John Candy 30 years ago or Chris Farley 20 years ago. Peter is obsessed with logical thinking and maintaining propriety. He's the kind of priggish, rich asshole that would have been played by Chevy Chase 30 years ago or Steve Martin 20 years ago (when they were both still funny).

Due Date is a raunchier version of the kind of mismatched buddy picture we've seen a hundred times before, but filled with masturbation and pot jokes. Juliette Lewis (Natural Born Killers) is on hand as a "pharmacist" and Jamie Fox (Ray) is Peter's pro football buddy. Sadly none of them can save this cliche-ridden picture from its own mediocrity. Happily, Galifianakis' performance is just sweet and vulnerable enough to make it tolerable. Downey is fine, though his character is so despicably nasty, one wonders why a wide-eyed optimist like Ethan would want to spend time with him. Director Todd Phillips (The Hangover) keeps things moving along at a brisk pace, though the script (by Phillips and three other writers) barely stops long enough to explain why the two choose to stay together all the way to Los Angeles. Amusing at best, Due Date is the kind of movie where you park your brain at the ticket booth and just go along for the ridiculous ride and appreciate the most ridiculous moments for what they are. ** (Two Out of  Four Stars).

I must, however, once again object to parents who bring their children to age-inappropriate films. Seated in front of us were a mother and four kids, none of whom were more than 12. Due Date is rated "R" for sexual situations, language and drug use. What on Earth possessed this woman to think it was okay to bring these kids to this movie? I know there were moments when she had to feel uncomfortable (I wouldn't have wanted to be part of the conversation on that ride home). And needless to say, the kids talked loudly, got up often and laughed only at the most obvious of jokes. Even I was uncomfortable knowing they were seeing this movie.

Parents, leave your children at home when seeing a movie obviously aimed at adults.

More, anon.

Prospero

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TV Review: "The Walking Dead."

So, last night I was among the estimated 5.3 million viewers who tuned into the premiere of AMC's newest original series "The Walking Dead." If you've been even a casual reader of this blog, you know Uncle P is major zombie fan and there was no way in hell that I was going to miss the premiere of Frank Darabont's adaptation of Robert Kirkman's graphic novel about the people who are trying to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

Cable channel AMC started out as American Movie Classics, mainly airing films from Hollywood's past. Four years ago, they aired their first original program, "Mad Men," as series about an early 1960's advertising agency which made a star out of John Hamm and which has consistently won the Emmy for Best Drama since. After "Mad Men," they introduced "Breaking Bad," about a high school science teacher (Bryan Cranston) who, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, turns to making methamphetamine so his family will have money to live on after he dies. Cranston has since won the Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama three years running. It comes as no surprise that their latest series is just as good.

IN the 90 minute premiere episode "Days Gone Bye," we are introduced to rural Georgia Sheriff's Deputy Rick Grimes (British actor Andrew Lincoln), who is apparently in the midst of marital problems. His partner Shane ("Eastwick" hottie Jon Bernthal) is a bit of a neanderthal when it comes to women, though it seems they can confide in one another, if no one else. Rick is critically injured during a shoot-out with a trio of desperadoes and awakes after a month-long coma to find the world as he knew it no longer exists.In a world filled with flesh-eating zombies, Rick is determined to reunite with his wife and son, who may or may not have survived the zombie uprising.

The imagery in Darabont's version of Kirkman's story is nothing short of amazing. The scene where Rick is staggering down the hospital hallway only to find a chained door marked "Do Not Open Dead Inside" is simply and beautifully chilling. As he makes his way home, Rick stumbles upon a half-torsoed zombie who is both horrific and pathetic, wisely setting the tone for this story of survival and despair. Rick soon (though not happily) finds himself in the care of Morgan his son Duane, who lost their wife/mother to the zombie virus. The scene where Rick watches Morgan's wife try to gain entry to the house in which they've holed holed up through a peep-hole was among the creepiest I've eve seen.

Darabont and company seem to have managed the perfect the balance between Horror and Humanity as I can remember and while there were plenty of graphic gross-outs, "The Walking Dead" also offered up plenty of scenes of human drama, making character the focus, rather than gore and effects (though there were plenty of both). And I haven't even gotten around to talking about Rick's wife ("Prison Break" doctor Sarah Wayne Callies) and the affair she may or may not have been having with Shane before the outbreak. The performances here are excellent across the board, and the attention to detail, especially when depicting apocalyptic devastation, are exceptional.

Having read only a few issues of the graphic novel on which the series is based, I am very interested in seeing where the story will lead. Kirkman has said that he anticipates about 225 issues, which leaves plenty of material for AMC and Darabont to cover. If the rest of the series is as good as the premiere, I'll be watching for a very long time. **** (Four Out of Four Stars).

More, anon.
Prospero

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Mini-Review: "Hereafter"

Taking my time getting back into movie-going mode, I finally got to see Clint Eastwood's latest, Hereafter with my usual suspects, K; Q and Dale.

Telling three stories that intersect at the end, Eastwood takes his time exploring a subject that for many (myself, included - though more on that in a bit*) is often suspect.

French power journalist Marie LeLay (High Tension's Cecille de France) is on a tropical vacation with her lover/producer, when she is swept up in a tsunami where she drowns and is revived, but not before experiencing a vision of what she believes is the afterlife. She is soon consumed by the vision, to the point where she can no longer concentrate on the political controversies that made her a star. Meanwhile, Matt Damon is San Francisco based medium George Lonegan, who has given up doing readings because he feels that a life spent with the dead is no life at all, despite his brother Billy's (Jay Mohr sporting an exceptionally bad haircut) protestations. Finally, British twins Marcus and and Jason (Frankie & George Mclaren) live with their addict mum, trying to keep their family together, despite the best efforts of Human Services. When Jason is killed in a car accident while attempting to buy the drugs that might help Mum recover, Marcus becomes obsessed with finding a way to contact his brother.

Slow and studied, Eastwood's film concentrates on the human aspects of his tale, rather than exploiting the supernatural elements. The performances in Hereafter are exceptional, to say the least and Damon plays the role of the tortured psychic who views his talents as a curse, rather than a gift, with particular humanity. Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village; Spider-Man 3) is excellent as the gal who is sweet on George until he gives her a reading (despite his protestations) and appearances in smaller roles from Steve Schirrapa and Richard Kind are just icing on an already well-made cake.

While the film's denouement may be be a bit rushed (especially considering the rest of the film's easy pace) and pat, it still leaves audiences' with a sense of hopefulness and is ultimately quite uplifting. I'll admit to crying more than once or twice (the scene where Marcus loses his brother could rip the heart out of the coldest of bastards), though K found it the movie too long and slow.Personally, I found it beautifully written and filmed, wonderfully acted and paced almost exactly as it needed to be. ***1/2 (Three and a Half Out of Four Stars).

*As for the subject of the afterlife, while I remain skeptical, I have had an experience (or four) which make me take pause, one of which involves Q, who brought it up in our post-viewing discussion. Not long after Q's mother passed away, I had a dream in which Q's mother appeared to me with a very specific message for for Q. Of course, when I related that message, Q understood and immediately felt better. I've had similar dreams involving my paternal grandmother, my father and a much-loved uncle by marriage, all of which had meaning to me, but no one else. So, do these dreams have any real significance, or are they simply products of my own subconscious? I have no idea, though I do know the dream about Q's mother certainly meant something to her. I'd like to think (as do we all) that there is something beyond "this mortal coil," but given  the scientific evidence to date, must declare myself a skeptic.

I'll be back with my review of AMC's new series "The Walking Dead," much later this evening, though I'll give you a hint and tell you right now that I loved it.

More, anon.

Prospero

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TV Review: "The Event"

NBC's last big fantasy series "Heroes" crashed and burned in two seasons, while languishing on for two more. ABC's last big fantasy series "Lost" ran for a strong, well-planned six seasons, culminating in a derisive, but mostly satisfying finale. Lusting after the same kind of success, NBC's latest entry in the genre is "The Event," a show they promoted ad nauseum all summer long.

"What is 'The Event?'" the promos asked, over and over again. And I must admit, my curiosity was piqued. And now that I've seen the first two episodes, I can honestly say... "Meh."

"The Event" has a likable and (mostly) attractive enough cast: Jason Ritter (son of the late John, most recently seen on "Parenthood"); Blair Underwood ("Dirty Sexy Money;" "The New Adventures of Old Christine"); Laura Innes ("E.R."); Scott Patterson ("The Gilmore Girls") and "Heroes" and "Damages" alum Zeljko Ivanek are joined by a bunch of folks you've seen a million times, including hotties Wes Ramsey and Ian Anthony Dale.

So far, the plot concerns a vast conspiracy dating back to the 1940's when a group of aliens apparently crash-landed in the Alaskan mountains, where the majority of them have since been held in a top-secret facility. Led by the mysterious Sophia (Innes), the aliens are keeping a secret which will apparently have a major impact on the world. Meanwhile, lovers Sean (Ritter) and Leila (Sarah Roemer) have been separated while on a cruise. Leila's father Michael (Patterson) is a pilot who is forced (it's a long story) to fly a plane into the Presidential Compound in Miami, where President Elias Martinez (Underwood) is about to hold a press conference revealing the presence of the ETs. The ETs magically transport the plane to the Arizona desert at the last minute. Sean, aboard the plane in an attempt to stop his future father-in-law from killing the Prez is the only survivor to escape, only to be arrested for the murder of Greg (Dale), a guy he and Leila met while on the cruise. Greg's girlfriend Vicky (Taylor Cole) is not who she presents herself to be and everyone is completely confused by what's going on. 

Two episodes in and we already have more answers than "Lost" gave us in it's first season, but the time-jumping plot already seems threadworn and annoying. I really want to like "The Event" (especially thanks to its charismatic cast) and I hope it gets better as it goes along, though I don't hold much hope for it reaching whatever conclusion the writers have in mind. An especially icky moment where an alien in CIA disguise removes a fake vein from his arm was most effective in episode 2, but I somehow want more conspiracy and less boring character background -- the scene in which Sean and Leila meet, 5 years before the events of "The Event," seemed particularly contrived and silly, especially since it had absolutely nothing to do with what is happening in the story's present timeline. Kudos, though, to the inclusion of Tony "Candyman" Todd as General Whitman in Episode 1 Let's hope the writers of "The Event" are smart enough to keep us interested throughout whatever it is they have planned for us. I really like this cast and hope they have a long-enough run to make my attention worthwhile. **1/2 (Two and a Half Stars Out of Four).

And on a side note: RIP Arthur Penn, director of Bonnie and Clyde, among other iconic works. That's 2 out of 3...

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Dinner for Schmucks" (Plus Bonus Video Hilarity)

By now, many of you know of my general disdain for remakes, though occasionally an American version of a foreign film can be quite good (The Ring; The Bird Cage). Usually, though, something gets lost in the translation and it just doesn't work (Pulse; Swept Away - though in the case of that last movie, we all know why it really sucked). But the trailer for Dinner for Schmucks was very funny and the casting looked amazing.

The original 1998 French film Le diner de cons (The Dinner Game), written by Francis Veber (La cage aux folles; Le jouet [The Toy] and Le grand blond avec une chaussure noir [The Tall Blond with One Black Shoe] -- all of which have been remade and adapted in variously successful ways) was a very European black comedy about doing whatever it takes to get to the top. It's very funny, but also very, very mean-spirited.

So, after an exceptionally delicious meal at Hunami in Princeton (featuring the most astonishingly good vegetable dumplings either of us had ever had), D and I went to see Dinner for Schmucks.

As adapted by the writers of The Ex (a movie I actually liked a lot), Dinner for Schmucks is a kinder, gentler, more Disneyfied version, more suited toward the post-sexual revolution America and their parents. Recently revealed obsession Paul Rudd is Tim, a 6th floor corporate drone, looking for his opportunity to move up to the 7th floor and an office of his own, so he can convince his long-term girlfriend that he's worthy of marrying. After the ouster of a 7th floor exec, Tim makes his move, impressing his boss (Star Trek's Bruce Greenwood) enough to consider him for promotion, upon completion of a challenge. Once a month, each executive brings a guest to a special dinner. The challenge is to see which executive can bring the biggest idiot. If Tim wins the challenge, the promotion is his. Girlfriend and art gallery curator Julie (Stephanie Szostak) finds the idea repulsive and Tim agrees to cancel. Until he literally runs into Barry (Steve Carrell), a weird IRS worker and amateur taxidermist who is in the midst of recreating famous works of art as "Mouseterpieces." Thinking he has secured his promotion, Tim invites Barry to a dinner for "extraordinary people.' Needless to say, all sort of chaos ensues.

As I watched Dinner for Schmucks, I couldn't help but think of the similarities between it and Larry Shue's astonishingly funny 1981 play The Nerd, in conceit, if not plot. In The Nerd, a 30 year-old architect thinks he's living the life he's always wanted, when an exceptionally stupid and socially inept person enters his life, causing chaos which ultimately leads to... (somewhat of a SPOILER ALERT) happily ever afters all around. Change professions and replace a plot-twist or two with... well, not exactly plot twists, and you have Dinner for Schmucks.

The still-adorable Rudd plays Tim as the perfect straight man to all the insanity around him (20 years ago, Clooney would have played this part and 50 years ago, Jack Lemmon). Ron Livingston (Office Space) plays Rudd's nemesis, affronted by Tim's audacity. Other dinner guests include an array of popular character actors, including Chris O'Dowd as a blind swordsman; Jeff Dunham as a ventriloquist married to a slutty dummy; Octavia Spencer as a Pet Medium (I see dead puppies?) and Patrick Fischler as a scarred and bandaged vulture enthusiast.

Of course, Carrell is the heart of the movie. Barry may be really stupid, but he's never afraid to tell the truth and never afraid to be himself. A master of babbling (see Bruce, Almighty), Carrell manages to make Barry's malapropisms, historical ignorance and complete lack of social skills endearing, rather than annoying (even D went "Awwww..." at one revealing moment). Super-shiny smile ablaze, Carrell's Barry refuses to be beaten down, no matter how horribly life seems to have treated him. Almost stealing the movie away from Carrell are Jemaine Clement ("The Flight of the Conchords") as a self-absorbed artist and Zach Galifianakas (The Hangover) as Barry's co-worker Therman, who has convinced Barry that he has the power of mind-control.

Director Jay Roach (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery) keeps the ultimately gentle farce moving along at an appropriate pace and manages to capture several very funny set-pieces, though with no particular style of which to take note. D and I laughed often, despite the movie's rather predictable plot. The biggest laughs came from the performances of Carrell and the other dinner guests. I imagine the Blu-Ray release will include all kinds of hilarious improvs that were left out of the final cut. Hardly a comedy masterpiece, Dinner for Schmucks (which curiously never uses the word "schmuck" in its dialog) is probably the best comedy of the summer, though that's not saying much in what I am officially dubbing The Summer of Movies that Sucked. Amusing and relatively inoffensive (which is also its biggest problem), Dinner for Schmucks was ultimately better than either of us expected, by not quite as good as I had hoped. **1/2 (Two and a Half Stars out of Four).

And (as promised in this post's title) here's a special bonus:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next Governor of the Great State of Tennessee?

So do I get murdered or do I go to jail? Make up my mind, please.

Okay, now that you've watched it once, go back and watch it again with the Closed Captioning turned on and see the even more hilarious results of the CC typist trying to make sense of what Basil has to say. I nearly wet myself. And a visit to the man's completely incomprehensible website is required. Make sure you click the links to the letters he's written to the U.N. and Obama. You must admire the man for trying, at least. Gee... I wonder what Tennessee would be like under the Governance of Mr. Marceaux:



More, anon.
Prospero

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Birthday Review: "Inception"

I'm both exhausted and wound-up from my rather whirlwind Birthday at Coney Island and I wanted to make sure I talked about this movie while it was still relatively fresh in mind, having actually seen it last night.And you should know that I deliberately read only one review and won't read any others until after I have finished posting this. I will try my best to not be spoilery, as I know not all of you have seen it yet. And I will try not to gush too much, because I'm certainly aware that there's an awful lot of gushing about this film, already.

I suppose I should start by saying that I have never really been a Leonardo DiCaprio fan. I think I said before that he appears to finally be aging into his looks. Not that I find him attractive at all, but he is certainly less creepy-looking to me (Haters stop now, aesthetics are purely subjective). Still, no matter what I may think the film's star, I so very much like the film's director and the rest of the film's cast, that I was willing to forgo my DiCap-reversion and am happy to admit that I am not in the least bit sorry that I did.

In Inception, the latest film from Writer/Director Christoper Nolan (The Dark Knight; The Prestige), DiCaprio plays Cobb, an industrial spy who uses a "not strictly-speaking legal" technology to extract information from a person's subconscious by willfully invading their dreams. Cobb is also wanted for a crime which he keeps him from rejoining his children in the U.S. and agrees to one last job working for Japanese mogul Saito (Ken Wattanabe) in exchange for a phone call which will exonerate him, forever. But this time, the client wants an idea implanted in his rival, a process known as "Inception."

Nolan's layered (both literally and figuratively) film explores all sorts of concepts of time and perception, as well as their effects on the unswerving Human Condition. Heady stuff? Perhaps, but not nearly as dense (or "too smart") as I have heard complaints of. Yes, it's complicated, but if you pay attention (and Nolan gives his audience plenty of reason to, right off the bat), it follows its interior logic flawlessly. Like Nolan's previous best film, The Prestige, Inception is a cinematic puzzle whose journey is equally (if not more so) important as the payoff. Think of it as a visual maze, if you will. And Nolan's script, far from exposition-heavy as some critics have said, keeps the action moving forward at exactly the right pace, dispensing relevant information as and when necessary. Wisely starting the movie with the central conceit's technology already in place, Nolan forces the audience into accepting its validity, whether they want to, or not. The premise works because he says so, and we're okay with that.

Of course, dream invasion has been the subject of plenty of films in the past. 1984 saw both the Dennis Quaid vehicle Dreamscape and Wes Craven's original A Nightmare on Elm Street. And there are plenty of famous dream sequences (and even dream movies) throughout film history. So what sets Nolan's film apart? Well, for one thing, he has assembled a cast that is more than up to the demands of the film's intricacies. DiCaprio is fine here as a tortured professional with family (particularly wifely) issues. His determination to be with his children again is the driving factor in taking on this particularly difficult and dangerous assignment, all while he struggles with guilt and doubt of his own. In her best performance since Hard Candy, Ellen Page is the newly recruited "architect," responsible for creating the dreamscape. The always excellent Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Drag Me to Hell's Dileep Rao and hot up-and-coming Brit bear Tom Hardy make up the rest of Cobb's team, each with his or her own specialty. Marion Cotillard is Cobb's disruptive wife Mol, while Tom Berenger (sadly looking every day of his age); Pete Postlethwiate; Lukas Haas and Nolan regulars Michael Caine and He-of-the-Exquisite-Cheekbones-and-Dreamy-Blue-Doe-Eyes, Cillian Murphy, round out the exceptional supporting cast.

As for the much-talked-about visual effects...? They were flawless and indeed, unlike anything you've ever seen before. And, I am delighted to report, NOT in GD 3D! The trailers are merely the tip of the iceberg. My companions and I saw it on a regular AMC large screen, and it was still astonishing. Nolan, Cinematographer Wally Pfister and Production Designer Guy Dyas have constructed a labyrinthine world worthy of anything M.C. Escher could have devised, yet strikingly original and just off-setting enough to keep you on your toes.

As with Memento and The Prestige, the audience must pay careful attention to Inception's plot as it unfolds. But also like those aforementioned movies, Nolan's direction grabs and holds your attention from the very first image, to the very last. Hans Zimmer's pounding, pulsating score helps ratchet up the tension most effectively.

Inception is a movie that demands to be seen on a gigantic screen in order to fully appreciate it. Smart; sublime; introspective; philosophical and just down right entertaining, Inception is the single best movie I have seen all summer, if not, all year. **** (Four Stars)

More, anon.
Prospero

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TV Review: "Persons Unknown"

NBC, desperate to appease fans of both their late, almost-great "Heroes" and the truly great "Lost," introduced this summer series a few weeks back, but I just discovered it in a 4 episode OnDemand marathon (and I've DVR'd tonight's episode).

The series opens with the abduction of young, single mother Janet (Daisy Betts). Janet wakes up in a old (or at least made-to-look-old) hotel with six other strangers, none of whom have any memory of how they got there, nor any clue as to why.

The other captives include the mysterious Joe ("Third Watch"* alum, Jason Wiles) and a host of character actors you've seen a million times before, including Ferris Beuller's Day Off and "Spin City" legend, Alan Ruck. The other four captives are a young Army Sargent; a used-car salesman; a woman who claims to be a psychiatrist and the naughty daughter of the U.S. Ambassador to Italy, who is certain her father has had her sent to the seemingly inescapable town in the middle of nowhere. There are cameras everywhere, watching their every move. And a team of Chinese chefs who serve their meals in the restaurant across the street. And the Night Manager, who seems to know only what his employers (whoever they may be) tell him.

Meanwhile, an intrepid tabloid reporter is doggedly searching for Janet, stepping on toes and getting too close to something he shouldn't know about. Part "Lost," part "The Prisoner" and part I don't know what, "Persons Unknown" is both familiar and intriguingly off-setting, answering questions with more questions and setting up future anxieties without being too heavy-handed. And the anonymous voyeurism just gives the show that extra touch of creepiness that makes the viewer feel just a little dirty for watching.

I hope NBC gives "Persons Unknown" a chance to play out to a satisfying (if not logical) conclusion. I'm actually enjoying this odd cat-and-mouse game and I want to know what's really going on. Only 13 episodes have been shot, and I honestly hope that's all there is. Show creator Christopher McQuarrie wrote Bryan Singer's noirish masterpiece The Usual Suspects, so Uncle P has high-hopes for a satisfying (albeit offbeat) conclusion by August. *** (Three out of Four Stars)

"Persons Unknown" airs at 8 PM ET on Monday nights. Check your local listings, as they say...

More, anon.
Prospero

*A show my mother, never good with names of anything or anyone, refers to as "Fire Story" and will only know to what show one is referring, if one uses that name. I don't think I was blogging when "Third Watch" (a compelling, if underrated, emergency response drama) was in first run, but I certainly remember admiring (okay... lusting after) Wiles' co-stars, the gorgeous Coby Bell and unfaithful jerk, but amazingly hot Eddie Cibrian.

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There's a Shark in the Pond!

Well, it seems to be a summer of movie anniversaries. I already talked about the most influential horror movie of all time, but this summer also marks the 35th anniversary of the most influential horror movie of the 1970's, Steven Spielberg's Jaws.

Nothing seemed to be going right for the film while in production. The mechanical shark (dubbed 'Bruce'* by the crew) didn't work and the film went over budget and over schedule and Universal execs were sure they had a flop on their hands, while Spielberg was certain he would never work again. By now, we all know that once Spielberg got into the editing room, he managed to create a masterfully suspenseful film by not showing the monster until very nearly the end of the movie. And then there was that masterfully simple cello-heavy score by John Williams (Spielberg's composer of choice for so many films): Da-DUM! Da-DUM! Da-dum-da-dum-da-dum da-da-da-da-dada-DAH! Bernard Herrman would have been so proud! Is it any wonder that America's beaches were empty that summer?

I was 14 the year Jaws came out, and while I remember seeing it at a drive-in theater with my family, and I found it incredibly entertaining, I was by then an already a jaded horror fan who wasn't particularly freaked out by Jaws, unlike so many movie-goers of the time. Much of that had to do with the fact that I wasn't really a fan of ocean swimming, in first place. Yes, I have many great memories of day-trips to the Jersey Shore (unfortunately at Seaside Heights, where that execrable MTV show is shot**), though we would spend only a few hours on the beach before heading to the infinitely more interesting (to me, at least) boardwalk with its fascinating games of chance and questionably safe thrill rides. I can't tell you how many plush animals, cartons of cigarettes and vinyl albums we won on those wheels. So the whole "stay out of the water" thing had little effect on me or my family, as we rarely went in the water to begin with. We were more of a swimming pool family, than an ocean-going family, so the movie was actually just a scary fun time for all us.

Jaws also holds the distinction as the first "Summer Blockbuster" movie, changing the way American film studios marketed and scheduled their films, forever. Jaws was the first "tentpole" movie and other studios soon followed with their own summer blockbusters, leading to some of the 80's most successful movies, including Raiders of the Lost Ark; Gremlins; E.T.; Back to the Future and countless others.

Looking back after repeated viewings of this iconic and imminently quotable film ("You're gonna need a bigger boat!"), I can confidently say that Jaws worked mostly because of the amazing performances of it's three leads. Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfuss achieved A-List status and Spielberg established himself as the late 20th Century's most successful film director, all because of a movie that shouldn't have worked at all. Even Peter Benchley, upon whose novel the film was based, has said if he knew then what he knows about sharks now, he would never have written the book in the first place. But he did. And his subsequent screenplay left it's indelible mark on cinematic history.

As a mini-side note, this title's post is solely for the benefit of Uncle P's sister, who does the most amazingly accurate reading of that line...

*Both my Brother-in-Law and a dear friend (not to mention an ex of my own) share this name.

**You have no idea how disheartened I am that my childhood memories have been sullied by the obnoxious and truly repulsive idiots who have become "celebutards," because of that show. Even my Dear D, an honest-to-goodness Jersey Italian, thinks these morons should be dawn and quartered for encouraging the worst Jersey stereotypes since The Sopranos.

I hope to have a relatively decent Zombie Zone post tomorrow, though I have plans to attend a local church carnival with several members of my Sordid Lives cast tomorrow evening. You know I'll be posting about that, come Sunday.

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July. If you are reading this blog from a country other than the U.S., I hope you all have a wonderful summer weekend.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Splice"

As I am sure you all know by now, Splice is director and co-writer Vincent Natali's personal take on Mary Shelley's tale of an obsessed scientist who creates life. In fact, in a rather amusing nod to it's inspiration, the scientists are named for two actors from James Whales' masterpiece The Bride of Frankenstein, Colin Clive and Elsa Lanchester.

Splice starts off with a literal birth, shot from the newborn's point of view - an exceptionally traumatic event which ends well when the newborn is saved by Clive and Elsa, it's "parents." Well, "his" parents, I suppose as they name the curiously phallic (seriously, it's a huge penis) beastie 'Fred' and introduce him to the equally phallic "Ginger." A sort of french kiss imprinting ensues and the scientists celebrate. And so ends any happy thing for the rest of this icky and silly movie that both could have and should have been better than it was.

Of course, the big evil pharma that Clive and Elsa work for only wants the protein these things create to synthesize the next big miracle drug... or something. We know they're an evil corporation because the "Bottom Line" is their only interest. Obsessed Elsa pushes her totally p-whipped boyfriend Clive into conducting secret, illegal experiments using human DNA, just to see if they can. Apparently, Horror and Sci-Fi just don't exist in this world, and no one has learned the ancient and oft repeated cautionary: Don't Play God, Dumbass! But no, they create a "child," whom Elsa later names Dren (another double-joke involving the exceptionally unlikely acronym of their lab's name). Dren, with her ostrich like legs, prehensile toes, impossibly huge eyes and poison-stingered tail is certainly a curious (and beautifully-rendered) creature, even if she too, starts out looking like a walking penis. (I swear... ask D.) And there are plenty of other disturbing elements of this movie that put the ick in icky, that I'll get to later..

Sarah Polley's Elsa is woman of only the best intentions, who can't allow morality to stand in the way of scientific progress. Polley, usually a fine actress and director, plays the role a little too intensely, bordering on the silly, at times. Brody's Clive is a mopey nerd who only goes along with it because he knows he could never really get a girl as hot as Polley in real in life. That's really the only thing I could think might have been the character's motivation for going along with his gal's plan, even as the situation grows more and more dire. Then there's Dren, played as a child by Abigail Chu and as an adult by Delphine Chaneac, a chirping, clicking and super-intelligent sub-human in a dress. Assisted by both make-up and digital manipulation, Dren is just attractive enough to make us want to be empathetic, but dangerous enough to be wary of. The FX here are creepily effective and one of the movie's only two strengths, though Chu and Chaneac both give remarkable physical performances, even through all that fiddling with their appearances.

Despite a silly and exceptionally early montage, Splice starts out as a slick take on a classic Sci-Fi Thriller. Sadly, the plot stalls in the second act (D told me it all made him uncomfortable, in the way that being around specials needs children make some people uncomfortable. Ouch!), including a scene during which I turned to D and whispered "Puttah on de Riiiii..." and the ickiest sex scene since One Night in Paris. The third act simply degenerates into a not-particularly scary or even exciting monster hunt. What should have been a seat-jumping thrill ride, instead becomes over-thought, over-wrought psycho-drama. What Splice really lacked to make it successful, was any sort of real suspense or surprise. Borrowing heavily from those that came before (and not ironically or in recognizable homage), Splice references plots and visuals from Alien; It's Alive; Species; Jurassic Park; The Fly and dozens of other better movies, but debases those films' plot devices by tying them all together rather sloppily.

While unlike D (who turned to me after it was over and said "I so hated this movie! I never want to see it again"*), I didn't hate Splice, but I didn't really like it. It wasn't bad, exactly. It just wasn't very good, either. It's a shame, because I really like the previous work of the folks involved and so I suppose I somehow expected more. It seems like every one was more interested in a paycheck than in making a good movie, which is sadly more and more the case.

Oh, I mentioned two good things about the movie. You know I love film scores ( a full third of my music collection are soundtracks and scores). Well, the score by relative newcomer Cyrille Aufort is immediately going on my Amazon wish list. When, like with Avatar, the most effective thing about the movie is its score, you know something went very wrong. Natali's Cube was a promising debut. Let's hope Splice is simply a sophomore slump. Splice is rated R for language , gory violence and sexual situations. *1/2 (One and a Half out of Four Stars), for the score, effects and physical acting only. Save your money and wait for it on cable.

*D, bless his heart, likes some pretty bad movies, so you know if he hated it, it's bad.

More, anon.
Prospero

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