Bad, Bad Movies

Blogger Jonco at Bits and Pieces posted a link to this story on UGO about the Worst Actors of All Time (which is limited to men and therefore doesn't include the truly dreadful Jennifer Aniston, but still manages to omit the even worse Gerard Butler). The post got me thinking about bad movies, in general. But not bad, cheap indies like Troll 2 or Manos: Hands of Fate, which exist in their own MST3K category. No, I'm talking about Major Studio, big budget stinkers that have no business existing.

Let's get started, shall we?

The first on my list is the 1976 Dino DeLaurentiis production of King Kong, starring Jeff Bridges, Charles Grodin and Jessica Lange who makes a rather ignominious debut as an actress named Dwan, who is rescued an oil freighter that finds a giant gorilla instead of the oil it's looking for (huh?). DeLaurentiis notably said "Everybody gonna cry when my Kong die." We did, but they were tears of laughter.  He even campaigned to have make-up artist Rick Baker nominated as Best Actor for his performance in the ridiculous ape costume. Directed by John Guillerman (The Towering Inferno; Death on the Nile), the movie is most notable for its terrible acting and even worse special effects.Thankfully, both Bridges and Lange would survive this turkey and go on to Oscar-winning careers. Sadly, this was also the last movie my father, mother, sister and I ever saw as a family. We were all equally excited and disappointed by its cheesiness.

Of course, I've already discussed George Lucas' disastrous Howard the Duck, but a post about the worst movies ever wouldn't be complete without it. Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones and Tim Robbins star in one of Hollywood's worst stinkers, ever.

And since I'm already talking about genre movies, let's add Hugh Jackman in 2004's Van Helsing, a movie that held so much potential but which ended up being a ridiculous, noisy and over-used CGI pile of crap.

Good actors make bad movies on occasion, but it's truly sad when a good actor's last film is as terrible as Raul Julia's last movie, 1994's Streetfighter. Based a video game (never a good idea), Streetfighter features Julia as the dictator of a country named Shadaloo (that's sounds perfectly plausible) and Jean-Claude Van Damme as the hero. Pee-yew!

Of course, not all bad big budget films were made in the last 30 years, Take 1963's Cleopatra, starring acting legends Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and Rex Harrison. Still one of the most expensive movies ever made when adjusted for inflation, Joseph L. Mankeiwicz' epic is an epic fail, by any standard.

And since we're talking Hollywood royalty and bad films, let's not forget Paul Newman's debut film The Silver Chalice, a completely crappy Biblical story for which Newman would later publicly apologize.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'll talk more about these and other films during November's "Turkey Month" posts. And I'll be adding links to this post soon, so you see more of these films' crapitude.

More, anon.

Prospero

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Top Ten Movies of 2010

Okay... the end of the month of the January is approaching, the Golden Globes have been awarded and the Oscars are about to be announced. Last month I posted my 5 Best and Worst movies of 2010, but I've seen several more movies from last year and I suppose it's time to finally list my Top Ten; a difficult task in a year of many, many bad films. Some of these films have been reviewed previously (a few even recently), while others were not reviewed because I had other things on my mind. If your personal favorites' on the list, yay! If not, get over it and go write about them on your own blog -- Sorry. I had a pretty crappy day at the day-job and it seems to be spilling over here. I'll try to keep that in check for the rest of this post, if you promise not to hold it against me. So, without further ado, here are Uncle P's picks for the Ten Best Movies of 2010:

#10: Kick-Ass

Director Matthew Vaughn (Stardust) takes on the indie-Superhero genre with his hilarious adaptation of Mark Millar's story about an average kid who dreams of being more than he is. With break-out performances from Aaron Johnson and Chloe Moretz, Kick-Ass was the most fun I had at the movies this year.

#9: The Kids Are Alright

Anette Bening and Julianne Moore star as the lesbian parents of kids who seek out their biological father in this touching and often amusing story about what 'family' truly means.  

#8: Despicable Me

"The Office" star Steve Carrel is the voice of wannabe super villain Gru in this hilariously delightful film from the guy who made Ice Age, that also redefines 'family.' "It's so FLUFFY!"

#7: Toy Story 3

Pixar once again proves they're the best in the business with this sequel that drove grown men (myself included) to tears. 

#6: Let Me In

A box-office disappointment, Let Me In is the Americanized version of the Swedish vampire film Let the Right One In. Chloe Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee are the vampire and her thrall-in-training in this dark tale that features Salon.com's "Best Scene of 2010."

#5: The King's Speech

Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush star in this true story of King George VI, his speech pathologist and their struggle to overcome George's stammer on the eve of the most important speech of his Regency. With similar themes to The Madness of King George, Tom Hooper's film reminds of that royalty are still very human beings.

#4: The Social Network

Director David Fincher is best known for his explorations of the darker side of the Human Condition (Se7en; Fight Club; Zodiac) and his take on the story of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, while far less grim than his usual fare, is yet another fascinating take on the same subject.

#3: True Grit

Westerns will never be at the top of my Favorite Genres list. Still, the Coen brothers' version of the Charles Portis novel is not only brilliantly acted and gorgeously filmed, but it bears the kind of emotional impact that only the best movies can, reminding us once again of the universality of the Human Condition.

#2: Black Swan

Darren Aronofsky's film about performance and obsession is dark, fanciful and plenty disturbing while featuring the year's most amazing performance from seasoned veteran and Golden Globe winner Natalie Portman as a dancer who'll go to almost any lengths to achieve the performance of a lifetime.

#1: Inception

I always think the Best Film of the Year should be the Most Entertaining and Thought-Provoking movie of the year, and for me, that film was Christopher Nolan's Inception. A Sci-Fi espionage thriller with amazing visuals, terrific performances and an amazing score from the always brilliant Hans Zimmer, Inception was the movie that intrigued, excited and provoked me the most this year. A great ride from beginning to end, Inception was simply 2010's Most Entertaining (and therefore Best) movie of 2010.

Agree? Disagree? Have other choices? Let me know. I always love to hear what you have to say.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Best of the Decade: Fantasy Movies

Well, after several days of sleeping like I've been bitten by a tsetse fly, I'm starting to feel like myself again. If you have the nasty cold that's been going around the last few weeks, I sympathize completely and hope you feel better soon. Anyway, finally feeling better, I decided it was time to get back to my 'Best of the Decade' series before the decade actually ends (well, at least before the end of the month).

So, without further ado, Uncle P's picks for the Best Fantasy Movies of the Decade:

10. Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Pixar's only entry on this list is also one of their most delightfully silly movies. Monsterland powers itself on fear and scaring little kids is what Sully (John Goodman) and his buddy Mike (Billy Crystal) do best. That is until Sully stumbles upon the closet of a little girl too young to scare. When Boo (the name Sully gives her) crosses over, all sorts of silly nonsense ensues, including a brilliant homage to a Warner Brothers' classic:

Monsters, Inc. is sweet, scary, exciting and a pure delight.

9. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Chow Yun-Fat and Michelle Yeoh star in director Ang Lee's Chinese fairy tale about a magical jade sword, unrequited love and flying martial arts. It set a new standard in wire-flying stunts and proved Michelle Yeoh could make us understand everything she was thinking without understanding a word she was saying. Originally written in English and translated into Mandarin, Crouching Tiger... is a visual and romantic feast. You may want to turn down the volume - or do your best to ignore the terrible English dubbing - for this gorgeous fight scene among the treetops of a bamboo forest:

8. Enchanted (2007)

Disney finally embraces its ridiculousness in this story of a an animated princess (Amy Adams in an Oscar-worthy performance) who is sent to the real world by a jealous evil queen (Susan Sarandon), where she meets the true love of her life (Patrick Dempsey). James Marsden, Idina Menzel and Timothy Spall round out the excellent supporting cast in this delightful parody with heart:

7. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban ( 2004)

I must admit that I'm not much of a Harry Potter fan. I find the books derivative and just a bit too cutsie, especially when it comes to Rowling's bad puns in naming characters and places. Still, director Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men) managed to produce a dark and scary movie with his entry in the series, elevating it from kiddie schlock to artful fantasy in the process (to be honest, this is the last film I saw in the series, as Rowling's rambling story simply couldn't hold my interest):

6. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

In his second film based on the Darkhorse Comics character, Guillermo del Toro amps up the visual effects to the point where watching it on the big screen almost tires one's eyes out. When an ancient tribe of magical beings attempts to retake the Earth, it's up to hellboy (Ron Perlman) and company to stop them. An astonishing film to watch, which requires multiple viewings in order to take everything in:

5. The Illusionist (2006)

Writer/Director Neil Burger's stunning love story about a poor boy in love with an aristocrat is shot in sepia tones and irising transitions, giving the audience the feeling they are actually witnessing events taking place in the 19th Century. Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel and Rufus Sewell star in this lush, romantic tale that deserves more love than it gets:

 

4. Stardust (2007)

Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite modern fantasists, and his novel is beautifully translated by director Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass) in this near-perfect fairy tale starring Clare Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, Mark Strong and the adorable Charlie Cox. Sadly ignored at the box-office, I think Stardust was the victim of poor marketing. It deserves to be seen and loved as much as I love it:

3. The Prestige (2006)

Christopher Nolan made my favorite film of 2010 (Inception) as well as the best superhero movie, ever. So it's no surprise that his tale of rival magicians at the turn of the last century should land so high on this list. Featuring Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Scarlett Johansson, Michael Caine and David Bowie, The Prestige is a story about competition, revenge, love and weird science, all told in the way only Nolan could tell it. Complex, moving and deliberately confusing (as the best magic tricks always are), The Prestige required at least two viewings before I could decide where my sympathies lied. A smart and breathtaking movie, The Prestige is another under-appreciated gem that deserves more fans:

2. Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Guillermo del Toro makes his second appearance on this list with his dark fantasy about a young girl trying to escape the horrors of both Franco's regime and her stepfather's cruelty. Another movie my dear K hated because of its depictions of man's inhumanity to man, Pan's Labyrinth is a hauntingly beautiful meditation on how far we can go to rid ourselves of both physical and psychological pain. It is also one of the few films I can remember seeing that featured a scene which raised a collective gasp from every member of the audience. A stunning masterpiece from a director at the top of his game:

1. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001 - 2003)

Kiwi director Peter Jackson managed to turn J.R.R. Tolkien's supposedly 'unfilmable' epic tale and caught our collective imaginations in doing so. I hope I don't need to tell how truly amazing these films are (or attempt to summarize their collective plots). Gorgeous and exciting, TLOR's last film, 2003's The Return of the King is the only film to win every Oscar for which it was nominated (including Best Picture), and tied both Ben Hur and Titanic for most Oscars won at 11. Let's hope Jackson's 2 movie version of Tolkien's prequel The Hobbit, fares as well:

Honorable mentions:  King Kong (2005); Howl's Moving Castle: Amelie; Pirates of the Caribbean; Shrek; Big Fish.

More, anon,

Prospero

*Watch for more links in this post, soon.

P

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Salon's "Best Movie Scene of the Year"

I was going to start the New Year with my picks for the 10 Best of the Decade, in Movies, TV and Theatre until I came across this article (via) calling a scene I found particularly brilliant the Best Movie Scene of the Year, from Matt Reeves 'cover version" of 2008's Let the Right One in.

Let Me In isn't exactly a remake of that particular film, as Salon columnist Matt Zoller Seitz points out, but just Reeve's personal take on the same material. Let Me In was my #2 pick (so far) for 2010 and I was actually sad that it didn't receive the box office it deserved. I briefly mentioned the scene in my original review, but after seeing the clip embedded below, I have become even more enamored of its composition and cinematography. As Seitz points out, Reeve does indeed have "the patience of a spider." He takes his time throughout the film to develop character, atmosphere and suspense and doesn't cheapen the material with "cat jump" scares and gore just for the sake of gore.

In the scene, Abby's (Chloe Moretz) 'father' (Richard Jenkins) sets out to find food for his charge. His plans are sent awry with the addition of an unexpected character, leading up to an event which explains the film's opening sequence. Like Hitchcock's "bomb under the table" scenario, Reeve lingers over the 'bomb' (Jenkins) while we hear the other characters' nonchalant and unknowing conversation. Reeve masterfully builds tension while working toward a startlingly thrilling stunt sequence.  Here, see for yourselves:

Now that's some prime filmmaking, my friends. I'm looking forward to see what Reeve still has up his sleeve (and had no intention of making a rhyme). And just as a spoilery side note: while Seitz mentions the song on the radio, he (maybe deliberately) fails to mention how appropriate it is for what happens after the clip ends.

I hope you  had a wonderful time last night and no hangover this morning; I hope you all find yourselves that much closer to your hearts' desires and I hope we all get to see better movies than 2010 gave us.

More, anon.

Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Month: "Blood Freak"

Yes, that is a turkey-headed monster on the poster for Blood Freak, a 1972 anti-drug picture made by religious nutjobs to warn against the dangers of marijuana.

Blood Freak is the story of Herschel (Steve Hawkes), a Vietnam vet who picks up a hitchhiker named Angel (Heather Hughes) on his hog and takes her home. Angel is a religious good girl, who invites Herschel to crash at her pad for a while. Angel's sister Ann (Dana Cullivan) is a bad girl and she turns Herschel onto pot, to which he immediately becomes maniacally addicted. To support his habit, Herschel gets a job at a local turkey processing plant, testing turkey meat. Of course, the turkey place is run by a mad scientist who is trying to create a turkey that's as addictive as pot. When Herschel eats some contaminated turkey - his head turns into a papier mache turkey head!

And if having a papier mache turkey head isn't bad enough, Herschel is now a turkey-vampire who can only survive by drinking the blood of other pot addicts. Naturally, he goes on a killing spree, draining blood from his victims and slurping it up through his papier mache beak from his hands (I guess he couldn't find a straw). Finally, Jesus shows up to teach Herschel the error of his ways and he is saved, upon which he wakes up to discover the whole thing was just a drug-fueled nightmare. 

I wish I was making this one up, but I'm not. Here:

Wow. Poppers, wine and pot. Yep, these are some bad people. Not only does Blood Freak make absolutely no sense, it features some of the worst acting ever committed to celluloid; special effects that would make H.G. Lewis laugh at their amateurishness and several brief appearances by director Brad F. Grintner as the Narrator/Herschel's conscience, who occasionally breaks out into a coughing fit so bad, you wish he'd swallow some codeine-laced cough syrup already:

And mind you, the trailer below was intended to make you want to see this movie:

 

Why do I think the maker's of V8 are indebted to the makers of this film?

Thus endeth the Turkey Month Turkeys. I hope you and yours had a wonderful and delicious Thanksgiving. As always, I have loads to be thankful for, not the least of which are you, my readers. I don't have nearly as many followers as some bloggers, but I am very thankful for the ones I do have. 

Tomorrow is known as Black Friday in the U.S. (presumably because it's the day when retailers' books go into the black ink, rather than the red) and Uncle P will be out looking for holiday bargains (though not at 3 or 4 AM, as many will be). I've already done some Christmas shopping online and have just a few more things to pick up. If they're good enough to share, I'll recount my shopping adventures tomorrow. If not, expect more of the usual nonsense.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Shocktober Director of the Day: James Wan

With only a few films under their belts, James Wan and his writing partner Leigh Whannell have produced some of the most original horror movies of the past decade. Say what you will about the degradation of the franchise as it lumbers towards it's sixth sequel, Saw was a sensation at Sundance in 2003 and started an entirely new sub-genre of horror, which would be later expolited by director Eli Roth in the Hostel films. 

Two men, a doctor (Cary Elwes) and a photographer (Whannell) wake up to find themselves chained by the ankle to opposite sides of a filthy bathroom, a corpse and a tape recorder just out reach between them. Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that they are latest victims of a serial killer known as Jigsaw, who places his victims in deadly contraptions which require the solving of various puzzles to escape. Dina Meyer, Ken Leung and Danny Glover are the cops hot on Jigsaw's trail, while "Lost" alum Micheal Emerson plays a suspicious orderly; "Parenthood" star Monica Potter is Elwes' wife and Shawnee Smith is the only known survivor of Jigsaw's monstrous contraptions. Startling, grim and highly original at the time, Saw was the first movie in a long time whose twist ending actually surprised this jaded Horror fan.

Wan and Whannell created a creepy and original film on a limited budget, while managing to lure some exceptionally talented actors to take part in what was a risky venture, at best. And despite the increasingly lame sequels (the latest, due in just a few week is in what I call 'The GD3D'), genre fans must admit that the the original Saw is quite a ride.

The duo's next film, 2007's Dead Silence (originally titled Silence) was a take on one of Horror's classic tropes, the evil ventriloquist. Explored in dozens of films (including the excellent Richard Attenborough's Magic, starring a young Anthony Hopkins and Ann-Margret), the creepy/evil ventriloquist has been the cause of almost as many nightmares as the Evil-You-Know-What.

Ryan Kwanten ("True Blood") is Jamie, who receives a mysterious package containing a ventriloquist's dummy. When he goes out for Chinese, his wife (Mia Farrow look-alike Amber Valetta) is murdered and Jaimie returns to his hometown of Raven's Fair to bury her. Detective Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) is suspicious and follows Jamie home, sure the young man had something to do with his wife's death. Jamie's cold father ("24" alum Bob Gunton) and his young wife welcome Jamie home, but there is something amiss. It turns out that Raven's Fair was once home to the celebrated Mary Shaw, a ventriloquist who was killed by vigilantes after the death of a young man who called her out during a performance. As the bodies pile up, Jamie and Lipton become convinced that something sinister is going on and a climactic battle between good and evil ensues in the rotting ruins of Mary Shaw's mansion/theater. 

Atmospheric and surprisingly creepy, Dead Silence is an under-appreciated throwback to the ghost stories of the 30's and 40's, where what what the audience doesn't see is often scarier than what we do.If you've never seen it, you should.

That same year, Wan directed the rather formulaic revenge actioner, Death Sentence, starring Kevin Bacon (Friday the 13th) as a man bent on getting back at the men who murdered his son. Both director and star deserved better material, and I suspect contractual obligations led to this mess more than anything. Kelly Preston, John Goodman and Aisha Tyler all should have known better, too.

Wan reunites with Whannell for the upcoming Insidious, starring Patrick Wilson (X-Men) and Rose Byrne (28 Weeks Later; "Damages") as parents trying to rescue their comatose from evil spirits:

Uncle P is looking forward to whatever horror this young Aussie filmmaker has in store in for us, including his scheduled 2012 take on vampires, Nightfall. Let's hope his future holds horrors as original and creepy as his first two films. 

More, anon.
Prospero

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Shocktober Director of the Day: David Cronenberg

Canadian director David Cronenberg has always been fascinated by horrors of the flesh and has never been shy about expressing that fascination. He made several shorts, features and Canadian television movies before his first widely distributed film, They Came from Within in 1975.

The story of mad scientist (is there any other kind) experimenting on his neighbors in a high-rise apartment complex, They Came from Within concerns a genetically engineered parasite that drives its host to a sexual (and murderous) frenzy. Using British scream queen Barbara Steele and a host of unknowns, Cronenberg's cheapie was derided as vile exploitation (which it certainly was) when it was originally released. But it had a certain style about it and the young director's potential was certainly on display:

In 1977, he made the similarly themed Rage (known in the U.S. as Rabid) starring former porn star Marilyn Chambers as a young woman whose experimental plastic surgery results in a phallic organ in her throat which drains the blood of her victims, turning them into blood-thirsty zombies, resulting in a Montreal epidemic:

For his next film, 1979's The Brood, Cronenberg managed to get two rather well-known British actors, Oliver Reed and Samantha Eggar. Reed was known for several high-profile roles in films like Oliver!; Tommy; and Women in Love (where he shares a sweaty, naked wrestling match with Alan Bates*) and Eggar was he genteel Emma Fairfax in Dr. Doolittle. So it was a bit of a coup for Cronenberg when they agreed to appear as a deranged psychiatrist and his patient who somehow manages to manifest her feelings of hatred into physical creatures who kill those she feels have wronged her. 

The final image of Eggar licking the blood off her latest "child" may well be one of the disturbing in modern horror.

But it wouldn't be until 1981's Scanners that Cronenberg's films really began to garner notice among genre fans. Starring former super model Jennifer O'Neill, Patrick McGoohan ("The Prisoner") and genre powerhouse Michael Ironside, Scanners is a story about psychic espionage and is the first movie I can think of where this happens:

Yikes!

Next came 1983's Videodrome, the first Cronenberg film Uncle P saw in a theatre. James Woods and Blondie vocalist Debbie Harry star in this tale of a television producer looking for the next big thing. When he stumbles upon a pirate S&M TV show called 'Vidoedrome,' he thinks he's found it. Of course, in typical Cronenberg fashion, nothing is really what it seems and Videodrome is little more than a front for a bizarre cult. Playing on a common Sci-Fi theme (the marriage of flesh and electronics), Videodrome is the first of several times Cronenberg explores this topic. And of course, disturbing images abound:

Next came Cronenberg's 1983 adaptation of Stephen King's The Dead Zone, one of the few movies that is actually better than than King's source material, but which still left me feeling uninvolved despite some excellent performances from Christopher Walken, Martin Sheen, Brooke Adams and Colleen Dewhurst.

Three years later, Cronenberg made the movie that would cement his status as a Horror/Sci-Fi master forever. His remake of the 50's B-movie The Fly was a sensation and not just for it's envelope-pushing special effects. Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis (in tragically ignored Oscar-worthy performances) play scientist Seth Brundle and science reporter Veronica Quiafe. When Seth reveals the teleportation device he's been working on to Veronica, the two of them become embroiled in a tragic romance worthy of Shakespeare. Of course, we all know that a fly is trapped along with Seth when he makes his first solo test, resulting in a mutation that would inspire nightmares (not to mention an opera) for millions of horror fans. The scene where Veronica visits Seth for the last time before he is completely dehumanized, can still make me choke up. Addressing cancer, AIDS and a slew of human foibles, The Fly touched audiences in a way Cronenberg never had before.

Cronenberg followed  The Fly with Dead Ringers, his 1988 adaptation of Bari Wood's novel "Twins," about two brilliant, but drug-addicted twin gynecologists (Jeremy Irons) who develop the worst kind of God complex:

1991 saw what may well be one of Cronenberg's most disturbing films of all time, an adaptation of William S. Burrough's supposedly unfilmable novel Naked Lunch, about an exterminator who becomes addicted to his own poisons and his journey into madness.

In 1993, Cronenberg side-stepped away from horror and adapted David Henry Hwang's play M. Butterfly, about a French diplomat who is tricked into an affair with a male Chinese opera star who is actually a spy. While not exactly a Horror movie, M. Butterfly still explores the connections between sin, flesh, deception and desire. Then came the repulsive Crash, about a group of fetishists who find sexual arousal in car accidents. Crash was the first movie I saw in a stadium theater, with most of my fellow cast mates of "Love! Valour! Compassion!" and we were all both appalled and confused by what we were seeing.  major misstep for the usually brilliant director.

1999 saw return to Cronenberg's obsession with the marriage of electronics and flesh with the virtual reality-themed eXinstenz, starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jude Law, Ian Holm and Willem Dafoe in a story about a video game programmer on the run from those who would use her technology for nefarious means:

2002's Spider stars Ralph Fiennes as a mental patient who escapes into his childhood to avoid the horrors of reality. It is probably Cronenberg's least successful and least well-known film to date. Since then, Cronenberg has moved on to more mainstream films, such as 2005's A History of Violence and 2007's Eastern Promises, both of which explore the psychology of crime. His upcoming film, A Dangerous Method is about the relationship between the fathers of modern psychology, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, Personally, I look forward to the day when Cronenberg returns to exploring both psychological and physical horror.

More, anon.

Prospero

*Link probably NSFW

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Singing in the Reign

I was going to do a post about the Emmy Awards tonight, but I became so enraged at NBC's sound engineers for making most of what the usually hilarious John Hodges Hodgman had to say unintelligible, that I turned it off. I was also upset that the Academy didn't recognize the genius of Michael Emerson's performance on the final season of "Lost," though I must admit to being thrilled by Kyra Sedgwick's win for her work on the always excellent "The Closer."

I know I just blogged about Gene Kelly and his extraordinary dancing prowess. But I ran across the video below on Bits and Pieces, and just had to take a few minutes to talk about it. 

This certainly isn't the first time that the song Singin' in the Rain has been used for a Sci-Fi movie. Most notoriously, it was used in Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. The song is sung as Alex (Malcolm McDowell) and his 'droogies' commit a heinous home invasion and rape. I couldn't embed a clip, but you can see it here. I love that the doorbell in that scene plays the first four notes of Beethoven's 9th Symphony... Death certainly knocked on the door that evening...

So, what does it mean when an Imperial Stormtrooper and his two Mini-Mes do their own version of the iconic number? I have no idea. I just know it's fun. Enjoy:

A packed rehearsal schedule for Top Girls and the seasonal shift change at the day job may mean that Uncle P might not be posting much this week, though I promise to do my best to keep you informed and entertained (assuming I do either if those things for you).

More, anon.

Prospero

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Games People Play

My dear Stephen Rader and I seem to be on the same wavelength these days. Not that that's a bad thing - though I imagine if we weren't separated by a 1000 miles, there would be earthquakes, floods and mass destruction the likes of which have never been seen before. Of course, Stephen and I are often on the same wavelength - we love so many of the same things: Superheroes; Hot Men; Sex; Theatre; Movies; Game Shows... Yes, I said it. And I'm not ashamed. I love game shows. And you know you do, too.

Game shows have been around almost as long as television. They can be educational ("Jeopardy;" "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"); entertaining ("Truth or Consequences;" "Beat the Clock"*) or just downright ridiculous ("You're in the Picture") Hell, even the great Groucho Marx had a game show - "You Bet Your Life" ran from 1950 to 1961 and featured a "Secret Word" that would net contestants $100 if they uttered it during the course of being interviewed by Groucho.

As a child of the '60's and '70s (yes, I'm old, OK? Get over it, already) the game shows I grew up with were just a tad more more risque that. And probably the most risque of all them was "The Match Game," starring Gene Rayburn, Brett Sommers, Richard Dawson and Charles Nelson Reilly. It was the first time I can remember hearing such scandalous words as "tinkle," "willy" and "boobs" on network TV. It would be many years before we all found out that the panelists (which often included America's beloved foul-mouthed grandma, Betty White) were drunk half the time. Recently, I came across this "Match Game" clip which I had to share with Stephen, given our mutual love of Batman and all things queer:

Personally, I think "Devine" is the funniest answer, even if "Queer" is the definitive one. Of course, what does one expect from the second gayest game show panelist in TV history (though I'm still not sure why "Lovers" and "Married" were not a match, while "Fairies" was - ah, the 70's)? And speaking of the second gayest panelist in game show history, I tried my best to find a 'Best of Paul Lynde' clip from "Hollywood Squares," but no one seems to have made one...

Anyway... Game shows are still with us. Drew Carey has taken over for Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right" and Food Network goofball Guy Fieri hosts the newest incarnation of "Beat the Clock;" NBC's "Minute to Win It,*" in which contestants have 60 seconds to complete an outrageous stunt. If they complete all 10 of the increasingly difficult stunts, they win a million dollars. Fieri, with his 80's hairstyle and over-the-top attitude is an affable host, at best. Though on the one or three episodes of the show I've seen, no one has even come close to winning.

Of course, the whole game show mentality eludes me. Uncle P actually auditioned for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" While I passed the initial test (which included questions like "Where Does Winnie the Pooh Live?" - The Hundred Acre Wood - and "Who was the first First Lady to be born in a hospital?"- Rosiland Carter), I was ultimately rejected - I suspect because I wasn't a lunatic who got a massive boner over the prospect of meeting Meredith Viera. In other words, I was smart enough, just not dorky enough. Sigh.

Of course, my personal favorite game show moments are the ones in which anxious contestants give the most ridiculous answers possible:

Oh, dear. Is it any wonder I haven't won thousands of dollars?

On a side note - full rehearsals for the JTMF production of Sordid Lives start tomorrow, so my posts may be shorter than usual, if they're there at all. I promise I'll keep you up-to-date (as if ya'll really care).

More nonsense, anon.
Prospero

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Masquerade

Even before I knew I would spend my life playing make-believe in front of paying audiences, I loved movies. One of the few things I can thank my father for... Ironically, it was Dad who introduced me to the first male I would fall in love with, King Kong. And as I discovered more great horror films, I started to appreciate the artistry that went into creating the special effects. And in particular, the makeup and masks.

When I was younger, I collected a few extraordinary pieces from here and there (and still have one or two). Lord knows I've made my fair share, mostly for Shakespearean shows (And I do still have Benedick's; Beatrice's; Romeo's and Juliet's). The most elaborate mask I ever made was for the first production of The Tempest I did, in college. I was playing Gonzalo in what was a ridiculous Persian-themed production. The director, knowing I was unhappy, thought he'd cheer me up and asked me to design Caliban's makeup and one of Ariel's masks. I did the best I could withe the stupendously bad Creature from the Black Lagoon body suit and headpiece they gave the poor fellow playing Caliban, so I was sort of forced to go reptilian with the make-up. But I managed to insert a private joke into the design of Ariel's mask - a live-action Easter Egg, if you will. I modeled it after David Lee Roth's cover for Eat 'Em and Smile. No one got it until the high school matinees. And the poor director couldn't understand why every high school matinee audience laughed at that scene, when no one else had.

And my sweet K gave me the mask you see me wearing in my profile. It is truly an extraordinary work of Venetian craftsmanship and the only mask I display in my living room. Above my desk here in the home office, is a lovely wood-carved mask of the Serene Buddha, given to me by my sister. The simple lines and natural wood color variations are in perfect compliment to the subject matter, and looking at it helps to remind me that calm and clear can see you through just about anything.

Masks have been around as long as humans have. Like Theatre itself, masks were first (and in many places still are) made for use in religious ceremonies. In Ancient Greece, actors wore gigantic masks with megaphones built in, so the huge audiences could hear what they were saying and clearly see the expressions on their faces. Pagan religions in ancient Europe used masks to evade evil spirits (a holdover to the modern holiday of Halloween), and during the Black Plague, people wore "Plague Masks" in hopes of fooling the disease into thinking they were birds, which did not contract the plague. For centuries, masks have allowed revelers in Venice to be anonymously wicked during Carnival, in the weeks leading up to Lent.

In modern genre films, there are probably two legendary masks of note: Darth Vader and Michael Meyers. By now we all know that Michael Meyers' mask was a store-bought Captain Kirk mask. That's right - it's Shatner. The costumer widened the eye-holes a bit, painted the whole thing white and teased the hell out of the hair, et voila! An icon is born. As for Vader, while I'm sure George Lucas had a pretty good idea of what he wanted (back when he was sane, at least), it was up to Oscar-winning costume designer John Mollo to create the iconic black geo-head we've all come to know and love.

So, what brings on all this talk of masks, you may well be asking (and even if you're not, I'm going to tell you). Today (I think on CNN) I came across this story about Conrad Zdzierak, a Polish national who used a very expensive silicone mask to disguise himself as a black man while robbing banks and pharmacies. He bought the mask, known as The Player, from SPFXMasks where it retails for $689.00. Zdzierak was known as "The Hairless Robber." If you'll note in SFPX's description of The Player: "The Player mask does NOT come with hair or eyebrows unless ordered custom."

Here's a video of SPFX's $789.00 "Lucifer" mask:

Impressive, aren't they?

Masked bandits are nothing new. A bandanna and a Colt 45 were de riguer for 19th century robbers. Of course, if I were a really smart criminal, I wouldn't be using a product I bought off the Internet to disguise myself. I can't imagine there are very many folks out there buying $700 to $800 masks, online. Is it any wonder they caught this guy? I guess he was maybe a little smarter than these guys, but still. Masks can disguise many things, but stupid always seems to make itself known.

And on that note, I leave you with this:

I won't go into the concept of personal masks, for this post. Of course, that doesn't preclude a future post on the subject. For now, I'll just say how much I love the right masks in the right situations, and leave it at that.

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Gayest Conspiracies You'll See This Week? What the...

So, the 2010 US Census is finally interested in us, and allowing us to be identified as spouses, whether or not our union is legally recognized. Or at least, that's what Sulu and his robot sex slave from Regula 12 want us to believe. I think they want to know how many of us there really are so they can round us up and ship us off to an island where we will all die of AIDS. Or feed us to the Vs. Seriously. The video proof is below.

I imagine that writing headlines and stories for the Weekly World News was much like what I just went through in that last paragraph. I can see the WWN headline now: Aliens and Bigfoot Help Move Gays to Gay Island; Elvis Oversees Operations.

I have already filled out and returned my census form. It is truly easy and painless (unless you have seventy-four billion people living with you). And it truly is our chance to be heard. Today saw historic health-care reform and we may very well be on the brink of historic military reform. We should be counted the way we want to be counted. The way we deserve to be counted. So (via and via), comes this PSA from George Takei and Brad Altman, reminding the LGBT community to not only participate in the census, but to be counted as members of the LGBT community.

Also via Towleroad, comes this clip of Dame Edna Everage's version of the clip that started my "Gayest Thing" posts:

I don't know... it kind of lacks energy...

Seriously, Barry Humphries has made a name for himself (or, er... uh... herself?) as Dame Edna, a raconteuress (yes, I may well have made up a word, but I don't care) and chat show 'hostess' who married into her title and is never afraid to speak her mind. Cheeky and oh so campy in that very Aussie way, Dame Edna is a Python Pepperpot who married well.

Admittedly, the clip is out of context. We don't what came before or after, how long it goes on or what the punchline is (though I suspect the punchline is, sadly, no more than the premise, itself). Humphries should have been parodying Lady Gaga, if anyone. Last year's topical humor is this years 'been there, done that' and a seasoned performer like Humphries should know that.

Off again to work on the screenplay. I promise a review of something, soon. Fill out and return your census form. Demographics are more important than you think.

More, anon.
Prospero

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In Praise of the Modern Movie Musical

Back when Uncle P was writing movie reviews professionally for the LGBT entertainment site PhillyOut.com, one of the first reviews I wrote was for the 2001 film version of John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I loved the movie and its amazing performances. And in particular, I loved the animation-infused version of the show's best song, "The Origin of Love"

That's the amazing Miriam Shor (late of "Damages" and "Swingtown") as Hedwig's bandanna-headed back-up singer, Yitzhak.

Of course, turning stage musicals into movies is far from new - one need only go back to the first true American musical Oklahoma for proof of that. But the movie musical seemed to have all but died after Randall Kleiser's 1978 adaptation of Grease. Oh, there were plenty of attempts at musicals after Grease, including Milos Forman's version of Hair; the late Gene Kelly's (sadly) last film Xanadu; Robert Altman's under-appreciated Popeye; the godawful Village People disco musical Can't Stop the Music; a far too-stagey version of The Pirates of Penzance (the movie that made Uncle P fall in lust with Kevin Kline); an abysmal adaptation of A Chorus Line and the Christian Bale kiddie musical Newsies. None of them did very well (though Xanadu would later fare much better in its tongue-in-cheek Broadway adaptation a few years ago).

That number would show up again in Adam Sandler's bizarre and misguided attempt at "serious" acting, Punch-Drunk Love.

It wasn't until Aussie auteur Baz Luhrmann made Moulin Rouge in 2001 that the movie musical once again regained its place on the big screen. Combining existing and original songs with a plot as creaky as an old boot (Boy Meets Girl/Boy Loses Girl/Boy Gets Girl/Boy Loses Girl Again to TB), Moulin Rouge was a sensation and proved that the movie musical was indeed a still valid art form:

Of course, Bollywood has been producing similar musicals forever:

Still, thanks to Luhrman's triumphant film, American audiences were able to experience the joy of Rob Marshall's version of Chicago, the first musical to win the Oscar for Best Picture since Cabaret...

...and Adam Shankman's highly entertaining film version of the stage musical based on John Waters' Hairspray:

Though of course, the less said about the downright boring film version of The Phantom of the Opera; Tim Burton's completely humorless version of Sweeney Todd; Susan Stoman's stagey version of The Producers; Julie Taymor's decidedly odd Beatles' musical Across the Universe and Marshall's most recent failure, Nine, the better.

Lately, the trend has been toward turning movies into stage musicals, as seen with the Broadway versions of Beauty and the Beast; The Lion King; The Producers; Mary Poppins; Young Frankenstein; Chitty, Chitty Bang-Bang and Uncle P's favorite Evil Dead: The Musical.

There's plenty of room for more musical movies, as far as I'm concerned. And there's been some chatter of film versions of Kiss of the Spider-Woman (as far as I am concerned, the best Kander and Ebb musical, ever); Batboy; Avenue Q; Spring Awakening and Wicked, but I'll believe 'em when I see 'em. Until then, I'll continue to hold out hope that the movie musical isn't dead and that this very American art form hasn't seen its last incarnation. Of course, having started my theatrical career in musical theatre, I may be a bit biased. Keep singing, Hollywood. Gay boys, theatre geeks, teenaged girls and "Glee" fans need you to keep providing us with hope, glamor, music and romance. Is that really too much to ask?

More, anon.
Prospero

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A Challenge

Well, not one, but two of my blogger pals (both of my Stephens) have tagged me on this, so I suppose I should respond. But first - a note about yesterday.

On New Year's Eve, Uncle P slipped in the inch of snow we got here in Southeastern PA (well before the two major storms this week) and did a number on my back. Not long after, I had the infamous Kitchen Disaster of 2010, which only served to exacerbate the problem. Add two more major snowstorms and no time to really heal, and I now have a chronic back issue. Currently, my GP is treating me with meds (a muscle relaxer, an anti-inflammatory and a pain killer). Yesterday (and the day before) were snow days at my day job, so while I had time off, I still had to dig out. By 6:00 PM Eastern time, I was in absolute agony and couldn't imagine sitting for an hour or more to post, so I didn't. I took today off and am feeling a little better, but still not nearly 100%. Add that to discovery that SyFy choose a screenplay entitled Sharktopus (I swear to God) over mine, and I was in no mood to blog last night.

Be that as it may, from Stephen Rader at Are You There Blog? It's Me, Stephen and Stephen in Oregon of Post Apocalyptic Bohemian comes this "challenge":

Name three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made you buy things, do things or think things that perhaps you shouldn't have.

Hmmm... As influential as film has been on my life, I honestly cannot think of anything that any movie has done any of these three things to me. I can however, name at least three films that have influenced me in other ways.

Of course, the movie that made me love movies is a childhood (and adult) favorite, the original 1933 version of King Kong. Watching it every time I could catch it on TV (usually on UHF - a concept totally alien to most modern TV audiences), King Kong taught me that anything was possible in the movies: Giant gorillas could defeat dinosaurs in battle; true love saves the day; exploitation is bad and even animals have feelings. Merian C. Cooper's masterpiece stands the test of time and even 77 years later, it holds up as both a thrilling adventure and an allegorical love story:

It wasn't until I was a bit older, that I discovered the power of Silent Films. And while there are many great ones (Potemkin; Modern Times; The Birth of a Nation), none had as great an influence on me as Fritz Lang's masterpiece, Metropolis. Lang's 1927 Sci-Fi landmark used then state-of-the-art special effects to tell the story of exploited workers under the thumb of an elitist regime of wealthy industrialists using plebeians to carry out their dirty work. Metropolis may well be the first movie that made me understand the plight of the "Common Man," while instilling in me a fascination for in-camera special effects. In the 1980's, composer Georgio Moroder combined known footage with a few "lost" stills to create a more comprehensive version of the film with a modern soundtrack. More recently, additional footage was found in South America, and a "new" version is set for release later this year. Metropolis remains one of the most effective visions of a dystopian nightmare ever committed to celluloid:

Finally, a movie I didn't actually see all of until I was in my 20's, Singin' in the Rain may well be the best movie musical ever made. Starring a very young Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Conner and the amazingly athletic dancer Gene Kelly, Singin' in the Rain is the movie that made me fall in lve with movies all over again. Not only does it tell the story of technology changing the industry (something we are seeing now with the overrated Avatar), its also a very human story about actors and what they have to go through to make it in the most competitive industry in the world. Seeing it all the way through for the first time was an almost revelatory experience.

I could probably go on and on about the movies that have influenced my take on the world (such a list would probably take forever), but these are the first three I could come up with that had a major influence on not only how I view film, but the world, itself. And of course, it doesn't include my favorite movie of all time, the Howard Hawkes masterpiece Bringing Up Baby, an underrated (at the time) comic gem that should make every screenwriter take notice:

So, while I can't imagine any movie that made me do, buy or think something I shouldn't have; I can certainly imagine hundreds (or perhaps even thousands) of movies of that influenced my love of the medium.

More, anon.
Prospero

PS - This list does not include any of Peter Bogdanovich's comedies from the 70's, which I will expound upon, anon.

P

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