Looking Forward

Okay - enough whining about the weather and the lack of sunlight. It's time to talk about one of my favorite subjects - movies. There are tons of movies I am really excited about in the upcoming year, several of which are scheduled for the next couple of months.

Most of them are genre pictures and I am not above admitting they are the ones to which I am most looking forward. That's probably because genre pictures have the highest level of escapism. Whether its vampires (NOT sparkly wimpy ones); werewolves; aliens; monsters; superheroes or mad science, I am a sucker for all things Fantasy, Sci-Fi and/or Horror. Of course, that doesn't men they will all be worth seeing. If you read my recent review of Season of the Witch (a movie I was really looking forward to seeing), you'll know I'm not an easily satisfied genre junkie.

So, what does look good to Uncle P in the coming months? Let's take a peek, shall we?

February 11 sees The Eagle with Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell in what is sure to be a homoerotic Sword and Sandals epic about a roman soldier and his hot young slaveboy:

And February 25th brings another insane Nic Cage movie, which could be either awful or insanely brilliant, Drive Angry. Cage plays a man who literally escapes from hell to save his granddaughter from the men who killed him and her mother. William Fitchner, Amber Heard and David Morse co-star:

March 11th sees Battle for Los Angeles, the alien invasion movie that may well prove to be what the critically disappointing Skyline should have been, starring Aaron Eckhardt, Michelle Rodriguez and Bridget Moynahan:

Also on March 11th is Red Riding Hood, covering much the same material as Neil Jordan's The Comapny of Wolves, this time directed by Twilight's Catherine Hardwicke and starring Amanda Seyfried, Lukas Haas and Gary Oldman:

March 18th brings us director Greg Mottola's Paul starring Nick Frost and Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead) in the story of two slackers who encounter an alien on their way to ComicCon:

March 18 is the scheduled premiere for Love, a Sci-Fi epic from director William Eubank about an astronaut stranded alone aboard the International Space Station after the apocalypse:

And March 25th brings us the movie to which I am most looking forward to seeing this spring, Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch, starring Abby Cornish as a young woman who must use her imagination to escape the insane asylum to which she has wrongly been consigned. Say what you will about Synder's films, no other director working today (with the possible exception of Christopher Nolan) has his particular eye for astonishing visuals:

And other upcoming films I'm excited to see:

Super 8 (6/10/11):



Green Lantern (6/17/11):



Captain America (7/22/11):



Cowboys and Aliens (7/29/11):

And some others for which trailers have yet to be posted: Anonymous (9/30/11);  11/11/11 (11/11/11 - obviously); Fright Night (11/13/11): Immortals (11/11/11) and Hugo Cabret (12/09/11).

Remember, all release dates are subject to change at the whim of the lunatic accountants who now run Hollywood. I'll be posting my reviews as I see them.

More, anon.

Prospero

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Two More Movies for 2011

If you don't already know, that's hottie Bradley Cooper (The Hangover), whose most recent film with reported girlfriend Renee Zellweger, Case 39 was less than boffo at the box office, as industry headlines would have put it (though I still very much want to see it, if only to see another performance from Jodelle Ferland, one of the most underrated child actors working today).

The gorgeous hirsute hunk has a new Sci-Fi movie coming out next year called Limitless, about a drug that unleashes the human brain's full potential, but with potentially deadly side-effects. Directed by Neil Burger (The Illusionist), it tells the story of an advertising copywriter (Cooper) who uses the chemical enhancement, only to discover that a shadowy group of killers is following his every move.

The movie also stars Robert DeNiro; Abby Cornish (Candy); Anna Friel (my much mourned "Pushing Daisies") and Johnny Whitworth ("CSI: Miami"). Limitless is scheduled for release in March of next year.The teaser below comes via i09:

Also via i09 comes the teaser for the crowd-financed Horror movie The Tunnel. From the lunatics at i09 comes the official synopsis:

"Set and filmed in the real maze of tunnels underneath Sydney, and using the truth as a starting point, The Tunnel tells the story of investigative journalist Natasha Warner, who leads a news crew underground to investigate why the government suddenly scrapped a plan to utilize the water in the disused underground train tunnels beneath Sydney's St James Train Station. They went down into the tunnels looking for a story - until the story found them."

The Aussie independent film is financed entirely through donations of $1 per frame. I'd probably describe this movie as a cross between The Descent and Rec. There's no official release date for The Tunnel, but you can bet that I'll among the first in line to see it when it hits my local cineplex. 

More, anon.

Prospero

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I Hate Waiting! (or: The Best Shows on TV)

Regular readers know that I think "Fringe" is currently the best show on television. That's not to say there aren't some really great shows on network TV: "Modern Family;" "Community;" "30 Rock;" "Parenthood;" "No Ordinary Family" (which gets better with each passing episode) and of course, AMC's groundbreaking "The Walking Dead" (which was just named "Best New Show on TV" by Entertainment Weekly).

"The Walking Dead," is indeed the Best New Show on TV. Fearless in its production and performances, "The Walking Dead" could have been a shambling, cliched mess. But in the hands of Frank Darabont and  his super-talented cast and crew, it's a compelling story of survival and humanity. Of course, the genre being near and dear to your crazy Uncle P's heart, doesn't hurt it chances. I would probably love it in a different way, if was bad.

So why I think "Fringe" is The Best Show on TV? Let's start with the amazing cast, shall we. This season saw the ensemble, with the exception of Joshua Jackson, giving extraordinary performances as two different versions of the same character. And amazingly, both versions remain victims of the Human Condition, though with different frames of reference in the hands of the astonishing John Noble; Lance Reddick; the criminally under-used Jassica Nicole (who, along with Noble, is the most noticeably different between the two characters) and Anna Torv in a true tour-de-force performance that would be criminal if it was ignored come Emmy nomination time. Then there's writing and the cryptic mythology developed over two and a half seasons (better than the mythology-heavy "The X-Files" and not quite as indecipherable as "Lost"). "Fringe" still has plenty of questions to answer in the future, not the least of which is addressing the little-seen-this-season Observers.

And here's the trailer for this week's Fall Finale episode:

Now, not that I don't love every moment I spend working a show because I most certainly do. There's nowhere I'd rather be, ever. But I usually don't have anything going on this time of year and it means I have to wait to get my weekly fixes. And that just sounds sad and pathetic, doesn't it? Or maybe I'm just tired. Ask me next week, when I'm finally caught up. I'm just a selfish, effing baby!

More, anon.

Prospero

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Finally Washing Off the 'Star Wars' Stink?

I've been a fan of Israeli-born Natalie Portman ever since her turn as a young girl who hires a hitman for revenge in The Professional. Since then, she's gone on to appear in plenty of films I really like (even if other folks don't), such as Mars Attacks!; Garden State; Cold Mountain; V for Vendetta and The Other Boleyn Girl, among others. 

Unfortunately, she also played Luke and Leia's mother in George Lucas' Star Wars prequel trilogy. Over this holiday weekend, one of the cable networks (I think it's Spike, but don't quote me) has been running these unfortunate films on what seems like a constant loop. Now, I didn't see any of them in a theater, but rather caught them on DVD or HBO. And, like many fans of the original Star Wars trilogy, I hated them. Boring and over-produced, Episodes 1 through 3 seem to spit in the face of the spirit of the original films. Of course, the payoff is seeing terrible actor Hayden Christensen burned by lava before becoming the character we all know and love to hate, Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith. 

Deciding I may have given the new trilogy short shrift upon my initial viewings,  I decided to watch them again today. And I am somewhat saddened to report that they are no better now, than when I first saw them.

It has recently been revealed that Lucas never actually intended to make a trilogy of trilogies, but rather wrote the original Star Wars because he wanted to make a Flash Gordon movie, only to find the rights unavailable. So it should come as no no surprise when 20-odd years later, Lucas sat down to write the series' prequels, he had nothing really worth saying. 

Not that he was the greatest writer to begin with. In fact, one of the original trilogy's most famous lines was ad-libbed by Harrison Ford, after several takes using Lucas' original. But the dialog in the prequels is among Lucas' worst, and poor miss Portman comes off sounding like an ill-bred hillbilly, rather than royalty. And it doesn't help that Christensen's 'skills' as an actor fall far short of the rest of the cast. Though to be fair,  Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee all sound silly spouting Lucas' lame dialog.

Advance reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (The Wrestler) latest film have been pretty much off the charts, and Portman is being touted for an Oscar nomination almost four months before Black Swan's official release date. Having spent five seasons working with NYC Ballet as an actor in their Education programs, I know that ballet dancers can be... odd. Even odder than actors, if you can believe that. Their days are made up of both grueling physical pain and artistic expression, a combination which can make for some intense personalities, especially among it's stars. If you've ever seen The Turning Point, you have some idea of what I'm talking about. So it comes as no surprise to me that Aronofsky should want to explore the dark side of dance... I've seen it up close and personal, as they say, and am looking forward to seeing both his take on it, and Ms. Portman's much ballyhooed performance. In case you've missed it, here's the trailer:

It is my fervent hope that Black Swan will finally be the movie that erases the last three Star Wars films from audiences' collective consciousness, at least as far as Natalie Portman is concerned. Of course, I'm much more excited about her involvement in the film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, than anything. But that's just me...

More, anon.

Prospero

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The Other End

Have you ever had to call for tech support and been routed to a call center in India or Pakistan? It can be very frustrating. For the past week or so, I've been dealing with my PC manufacturer's tech support people. The first time I called, I was routed to Pakistan. The gentleman to whom I was finally connected was most helpful and I thought the issue was resolved. 

Silly Uncle P... 

Because I had called them late at night, when they found there was still a problem, they called me late at night, usually after I had gone to bed. It was very annoying and I am afraid I got a little upset with them. Finally, I agreed to call them. After a ridiculous amount of transfers, I was finally routed to a gentleman in India. Rohit was (I hope to God) finally able to resolve the remaining problem, and even helped me to get rid of some programs that were just taking up memory for no good reason. Both Rohit and the supervisor (at whom I spent more than a few minutes yelling) were patient and understanding. I ended up apologizing to both of them, knowing it was neither of their faults. Hopefully, I will never have to talk to them again.

A few months ago, I posted a long list of things to do and not to do in order to get help from a Customer Service agent. And tonight, I was guilty of at least one of those infractions I so vehemently warned against. To their credit, neither gentleman got upset and both were very pleasant, throughout. Having been on the other end of the line for once, has made me appreciate how difficult their (and my) job can be.

Be kind to the Service reps you encounter on such calls. They are there to help you, and if you let them, they will.

Of course, this experience has made me appreciate this so much more:

More, anon.
Prospero

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Not-So-Happy Meals and Other Horror Movie Nonsense

I guess you have to find your heart wherever you can, though the Tin Man there seems to have gone a bit overboard, don't you think? 

I wish I knew where I found this image, so I could give some proper credit. But like many things in Uncle P's scary mind, it's lost forever...

As another "Schocktober" draws close here at the Revenge, I thought an End of Summer Horror post would be fun. And to start it off, here's a short that's apparently been around for a while, but I just discovered today. Coulrophobes be warned... this won't be pretty. Ladies and Germs, I give you Happy Meal:

I'm lovin' it!

So what other horrors await us at our local multiplexes this fall? Let's see...

Well, this weekend we have The Last Exorcism:

That looks interesting, if nothing else...


September 17th brings us Devil:



I'm willing to give Devil a go, even if M. Knight Sham-Movie-Maker is involved. At least he didn't direct it.
We are also supposed to finally see the much-delayed release of the Renee Zelwegger, Bradley Cooper, Jodelle Ferland thriller Case 39:



And October brings us the 7th (really?) entry in the Saw franchise, Saw 3D:



Then there's Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton and John Leguizamo in Vanishing on 7th Street:

And director Darren Aronofsky has Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Barbara Hershey in the ballet-themed thriller, Black Swan:

But Uncle P is most looking forward to AMC's original series, "The Walking Dead:"



It seems like Uncle P will be very busy this fall, even after his show closes...

More, anon.
Prospero

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The Summer of Suck Continues

I've seen exactly 4 "good" movies this summer: KickAss; Toy Story 3; Despicable Me (both while on vacation, which is why they weren't reviewed) and Inception. I've seen several more that weren't even worth reviewing and one or two that I've panned, because they should have been better than they were.

As we enter the remaining month and a half of the Summer of Movies That Sucked, I don't hold much hope for actually seeing anything good in wide release. Let's see what's left for us in this long, very hot (at least here in the East) summer.

This Friday sees the release of 3 major films. First up: Middle Men, starring Luke Wilson, James Caan and Giovanni Ribisi. Middle Men tells the story of the guys who found a way to make millions off of internet porn:

I have yet to see a trailer for this movie anywhere else but online. I might spend $4.99 to watch it OnDemand, but will not be parting with $10.50 to see it in a theater,

Then there's Step Up 3D (I'm not even going to bother posting a trailer for this insipid movie) and The Other Guys, starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg as two inept cops trying to make their mark. Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson co-star:

Not high on my list.

August 13 sees the Julia Roberts romance Eat Pray Love (meh) as well as Sylvester Stallone's "old guys" actioner The Expendables, which I have have promised to see with D. He's a Stallone freak, but I'm going because my obsession also stars:

But the August movie I most want to see is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Micheal Cera (Juno) stars in this comic book adaptation about a young man who must defeat his true love's "seven evil exes" before she will date him:

Directed by Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead; Hot Fuzz), Scott Pilgrim will either be absolutely brilliant or a total piece of crap. Given Pegg's track record, I'm expecting the former.

On August 18th, Vampires Suck will hit the cineplexes, though if it's anything like its creators ' other films, I imagine Vampire Suck will suck in the worst way imaginable:

I truly hope someone would hit these "filmmakers" with a shovel and put them down.

That Friday sees Nanny McPhee Returns (I've only seen portions of the first one, so I can't give an accurate assessment of the impending sequel); The Switch (starring the Worst Actress in America and Jason Bateman); the African-American comedy Lottery Ticket and French director Alexandre Aja's (High Tension; The Hills Have Eyes; Mirrors) latest, Piranha 3D, a movie I somehow feel compelled to see:

Starring Christopher Lloyd; Elizabeth Shue; Jaws' Richard Dreyfuss; hotties Eli Roth and Jerry O'Connell, Piranha 3D may well be the one 3D movie I might actually enjoy this summer.

The last weekend of the month features only one film I'm actually interested in seeing; The Last Exorcism. Regular readers know that I have never found William Friedkin's brilliant film The Exorcist to be scary in the least (mostly because I don't believe in that hogwash), but I hope this movie will be interesting, if nothing else... Hopefully, special effects have finally caught up with the subject matter:

I'll save the September films for another post, though based on what I've seen so far, this summer is a total bust.

What movies are you looking forward to seeing in what's left of this summer? You know I love to hear from you. Leave me a comment.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Wow!

I have been a fan of Zach Snyder's work, ever since his exciting and well-made take on Dawn of the Dead in 2004. Less successful (artistically, at least), his CGI landscape for his 2006 adaptation of Frank Miller's 300 was lovely to look at (in more ways than one), but rather thin on substance. His last big release was the mostly excellent Watchmen, which I really loved. And no matter what some overly-sensitive people have to say, I have never found his work to be overtly homophobic, and anything which might have been misconstrued as such is there because of the source material.



Snyder has an all-CGI family movie about owls coming out later this year, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole.



But it's his next film I'm most interested in: Sucker Punch, Synder's first film that is not adapted from or based on other material. The script by Snyder and first-time screenwriter Steve Shibuya is based on an original story by Snyder and concerns young women imprisoned in a 1950's insane asylum and their plans for escape. Here's the official synopsis:

"Set in the 1950s, it tells the story of Baby Doll (pouty-lipped Emily Browning), who is trying to hide from the pain caused by her evil stepfather and lobotomy. She ends up in mental institution in Brattleboro, Vermont and while there she starts to imagine an alternate reality. She plans to escape from that imaginary world but to do that she needs to steal five objects before she is captured by an unknown adversary. She has 5 days to escape before being lobotomized. In order to cope with the situation, she enters the hyper-real world of her imagination, and the lines between reality and dream begin to blur. She is joined with friends who are inmates from the institution. Lessons learned in the said fantasy world could help the girls escape their real-world fate." (via)

It sounds like Heavenly Creatures meets Girl Interrupted meets Lord of the Rings as a live-action manga. And that's exactly what it looks like in the trailer below (the first to get me this excited since the trailer for Watchmen - make sure I hire that trailer company for my first movie). Watch this in full screen and turn up the volume; this trailer is friggin' awesome:







No matter what you may think of Snyder's films, you must admit that they always look amazing, as evidenced by that trailer. And what a cast! The highly underrated Jena Malone (Donnie Darko; The Ruins); Abbie Cornish; Scott Glen; the smokin' Carla Gugino and the very hot John Hamm. When I can buy a ticket? Sucker Punch is scheduled for release in March of next year.



So? What do you think? Excited to see Sucker Punch? Or completely bewildered by it? I'm going to have to install a poll app, someday... You could always just leave me a comment. I love it when we dialog!



More, anon.

Prospero

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Boatloads o' Nonsense

I want to know the names of the asshats who claim there is no such thing as global warming, dagnabbit! (suddenly Uncle P has become Yosemite Sam.) Seriously, it's ridiculously hot here on the East Coast. Today was our second day at 102 degrees in Philly, the first time since 1966. Now I know some of you were still in diapers and most of your parents' were. I was alive, but too young to actually remember (or even take notice).

It is July, after all. And July should be hot. But this hot, this early? No thanks! And it looks like there is no relief in the very near future... Stay frosty, my East Coast friends (Sean - I know you know what I mean, brutha).

Still, there are plenty of wonderful things coming up this July to which I am very much looking forward. First, next weekend marks the arrival of Despicable Me, starring the voice talents of Steve Carrell; Jason Segel; Russell Brand; Julie Andrews; Will Arnett; Kristin Wiig and Miranda Cosgrove :

"IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!!!"

This movie just looks so silly and funny and smart - everything Burton's Alice in Wonderland lacked. I just love love Carrell's 'Faux-manian' accent as Super-villain Gru. And I completely understand that I am being manipulated by the precocious child with the stuffed animal, but I think the filmmakers are hoping that we get that. There have been plenty of Superhero movies, but I can't name a single Super-villain movie (and no - horror movies do not count - my definition of a super-villain comes from the DC/Marvel/Darkhorse/etc. Universes. Yes, Hannibal Lecter is a super villain, but he is not a Lex Luthor/Joker type Super-villain. Despicable Me opens on July 9th.

And since I'm on the topic of upcoming movies, director Christopher Nolan is about to deliver my semi-annual Birthday present on July 16th with my last hope for summer movies this year, Inception:

Everyone knows about the phenomenon that was The Dark Knight, but for my money, Nolan's best film is his Steampunk Magic fantasy The Prestige. Nolan elicits amazing performances from everyone involved (Hugh Jackman; Christian Bale; Michael Caine; Scarlett Johansson; David Bowie). It took me more than one viewing of this astonishing film to actually decide which character had my sympathy. If you've never seen it, you should.

I can think of no director in the last decade who has more consistently delivered both intelligent and exceptionally entertaining films as Nolan, and from the early (and thankfully non-spoilery) reviews, we can expect nothing less from Inception.

How's this for a segue: Speaking of my birthday... I actually have two birthdays coming up in the next few weeks. The first is this Friday, July 9th, which marks the Second Anniversary of Caliban's Revenge. I'll be posting an updated version of my very first real movie post, "Ten Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Horror Movies That Should Be Remade." Sadly, the list has changed little in two years, despite past buzz about several possibilities.

As for my actual Birthday on Sunday, July 18th, friends will be joining me at New York's Coney Island for a day of fun and nonsense. I grew up hearing stories about my mother visiting Coney Island as kid in the 40's and 50's, but have never been there myself, despite a life-long fascination with the place. I've even written the outline and some lyrics to a musical about Coney Island's Luna Park, once the single largest consumer of Edison light bulbs in the world and the first place to employ incubators for human babies, among many other fascinating things. If you're in the New York City area, we're meeting at 1 PM in front of the Cyclone in Astroland. My inner child is beyond ecstatic in anticipation of what I am sure will be anti-climactic event, but I don't care.

Honestly, I think I may actually have too much to talk about tonight, so I'm gong to save some nonsense for tomorrow. It's a veritable Nonsense Overload! I'll be covering a new development in the Double Rainbow Dude post; a contest involving Evil You-Know-What's and the schadenfreude we all felt while watching poor little Lilo weep for the cameras...

A Whole Lotta Nonsense, anon.
Prospero

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Memorial Day = Summer Movie Season

Summer movies are usually big-budget actioners with top-name stars, written directed by seasoned veterans who know how to attract audiences. This year... not so much. I can count on one hand the movies I really want to see this summer, and none of them star Russell Crowe, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jake Gyllenhaal or Tom Cruise.

Last year, I looked forward to seeing District 9; Star Trek; Orphan; Drag Me to Hell; Up; Zombieland and a slew of promising indies and foreign films like Thirst; Dead Snow; I Sell the Dead and 500 Days of Summer. This year... well... I do want see a few movies.

Four things will make me want to see a movie: an amazing cast; an amazing director; an amazing screenwriter and an original concept. That really leaves very few movies that pique my interest this summer.

First up, is next weekend's Sci-Fi/Horror flick from Canadian director Vincenzo Natali (Cube), Splice, starring Adrian Brody (King Kong) and Sarah Polley (Dawn of the Dead). It's a cautionary tale about two geneticists who perform an illegal experiment combining human and animal DNA.

As with last year's Drag Me to Hell, about half my JTMF cast will be joining me on Friday to see what could be either an awesome take on the "Frankenstein" mythos, or a completely lame FX-laden monster movie. The proof, as they say, will be in the pudding.

Then there is Micmacs, from French Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie; City of Lost Children). Micmacs a steampunkish fantasy about a rag-tag group of tinkerers who try to take down a major weapons manufacturer. The trailer looks amazing, and if it's anything like Jeunet's other films, I know I'm going to love it.

June 18th brings us Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex, an Old West gunslinger with supernatural powers, based on the DC comic from John Albano and Tony Dezuniga. With a cast that reads like a "Who's Who" list (John Malkovich; Will Arnett; Aiden Quinn; Lance Reddick). Hex could well be the next Iron Man, if director Jimmy Hayward (Horton Hears a Who) gets it right. My only concern is the presence of the less-than-talented Megan Fox.

The next "Must See" on my list doesn't open until July 16th, but as with The Dark Knight, I suspect writer/director Christopher Nolan will have quite a birthday present in store for me with Inception:

Normally, I'm not a Dicaprio fan. I find his looks to be on the creepy side and his talent modest, at best. But the rest of the cast, which also includes Ellen Page; Michael Caine; Ken Watanabe; Marion Cotillard; Cillian Murphy; Tom Berenger; Lucas Haas and Dileep Rao are all amazing and with Nolan at the helm, I'll probably be loving this movie.

Finally, August 3th brings us Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, another movie based on a graphic novel (by Bryan lee O'Malley). Indie darling Michael Cera stars as the titular character, who must fight off a series of supernatural villains to win the love of the girl he loves. My excitement for this movie comes from director Edgar Wright, whose Shaun of the Dead is one of the best (and funniest) zombie movies ever made.

Of course, the presence of Brandon Routh and Chris Evans does nothing to impair my judgment on this one...

So, those are the movies which I am most looking forward to seeing this coming summer. How about you?

More, anon.
Prospero.

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Seriously?

Okay - in all honesty, I'm not sure which makes me sadder; the fact that these movies exist and are scheduled for release in 2010, or the fact that there are people who will actually spend money to see them.

I'll be honest - I am not exactly a connoisseur of fine film (though I always prefer good movies to bad - with a few exceptions). Hell, I love some really terrible films (Flash Gordon, anyone?). I'll even go out of my way to see a really bad movie, as long at it makes me laugh. And I even own one or two (see my review of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter). But some movies are so bad, they aren't funny in the least, even when they're trying to be (Snow Dogs; Norbit; Pluto Nash; Meet Dave; Daddy Day Camp - sorry Cuba and Eddie, but you're both in so many bad comedies... ).

Here are some upcoming movies that are so obviously bad, their stench wafts from from the trailers, alone (some language and images may be NSFW):

Hot Tub Time Machine:

John Cusak, you were in Say Anything and Being John Malkovich. Of course, you were also in Igor and 2012, so what does that say about your career of late?

Furry Vengeance:

Okay, so Brendan Fraser doesn't have the greatest track record when it comes to good movies, but he was in Gods and Monsters and the relatively enjoyable The Mummy. Still...

Cop Out:

Originally called A Couple of Dicks, Cop Out is director Kevin Smith's first time directing someone else's script. And while I love Kevin Smith's Dogma, I simply don't find Tracy Morgan to be funny, ever.

Repo Men:

Didn't Darren Lynn Bousman already make a musical version of this story? Shame on Liev Schreiber, Jude Law and Forest Whitaker for taking part in this shameless rip-off of an already bad movie.

And that's just a few of the movies that already stink from the future... I haven't talked about The Last Airbender (which will hopefully be M. Night Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong's last movie, ever), Resident Evil 4; Tekken or (God help us) Saw VII. Hopefully, 2010 will provide enough good movies to cancel out these cinematic turds.

See you at the cinema, anon.
Prospero

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The Next Three Months

2009 may have only one day left, but there are plenty of movies to look forward to in 2010, including Alice in Wonderland; Iron Man 2; Prince of Persia; Toy Story 3; Despicable Me; Tron Legacy and The Green Hornet. Of course there plenty of awful-looking films coming our way, as well: Tooth Fairy; The Last Airbender; Furry Vengeance and quite possibly the most unnecessary remake ever, Red Dawn.

This post, however, is about the movies I most want to see in the first quarter of the coming New Year. And of course, since this is Uncle Prospero''s list of movies to see, they're all genre pictures. In order of scheduled* release, they are:

Daybreakers:

In the near future, vampires have taken over the world and driven their food source to near-extinction and the race is on to discover an artificial blood substitute. Sam Neill, Willem Dafoe and the reportedly smelly Ethan Hawke star.

The Book of Eli:

Denzel Washington stars in this post-apocalyptic tale about a man who must traverse a hostile country to deliver a book that very may well save humanity. Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis and Jennifer Beals co-star in this Hughes Brothers film.

Legion:

Keeping the Covenant of the Rainbow, God sends an army of angels to wipe out Humanity. Paul Bettany is the Archangel Michael who decides Humanity is worth saving. Bettany is joined by Dennis Quaid, Kevin Durand, Kate Walsh and Doug Jones in the first major film directed by SFX guy Scott Stewart (trailer language may be NSFW).

Poor Jon Tenny. The sexy "Closer" (the best drama on TV, for my money) co-star barely gets three words out before getting his throat ripped out.

Dread:

Clive Barker's tale about college students conducting an experiment in fear. From Anthony DiBlasi, director of The Midnight Meat Train and The Book of Blood.

The Wolfman:

The much-delayed next entry in the series of Universal Monsters re-boot, The Wolf Man features an all-star cast which includes Benicio Del Toro; Emily Blunt; Anthony Hopkins; Hugo Weaving and Geraldine Chaplin in a re-telling of the classic tale, directed by Joe Johnston.

Shutter Island:

My least favorite actor (Leonardo DiCaprio) stars in Martin Scorcese's horror movie about a mysterious insane asylum on an isolated island and the horrible things taking place there. Based on the novel by Dennis Lehane ("Mystic River;" "Gone Baby, Gone."), this film's cast is a who's who of Hollywood heavyweights including Mark Ruffalo; Ben Kingsley; Emily Mortimer; Max Von Sydow; Patricia Clarkson and Jackie Earle Hailey. I think I'll put up with creepy DiCaprio for his one.

The Crazies:

A remake of the George Romero film about a small town under siege by folks driven insane by an accidental chemical spill. Yummy Timothy Oliphant and Silent Hill's Radha Mitchell star.

Season of the Witch:

Okay, I'm the first to admit that Nicholas Cage often spells disaster for a genre film, but this one really has me intrigued. Ron Perlman and Christopher Lee co-star in this story of medieval knights who must escort an evil witch to a remote Abby in order to destroy her.

Clash of the Titans:

Ray Harryhausen is a cinematic legend, whose last film may as well have been called "Clash of the Trite Ones." Sam Worthington (most recently seen in Avatar) is Perseus in this remake that might actually do the Greek hero justice. Thankfully, there's no robotic owl in this one (or at least, I think there isn't).

Whew! I'm exhausted. So what movies are you looking forward to seeing in the next three months? You know I love your comments.

*Studio schedules are subject to change according to the whims of the moronic CPA's who now run Hollywood.

More, anon.
Prospero

PS - Watch for Caliban's Revenge's new layout, coming soon...

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