Faithful

I was always faithful to others. But seldom faithful to myself. It seems as whenever I made a decision in the past where I would really follow my own will, my own desire, I hurt someone. Why do we sometimes decide to be loyal to ourselves and hurt others by doing so? I hate situations where I'm deciding between 2 lives to be fundamentally changed by my decision. And whatever I'd chose, I'd make at least one person unhappy. Sometimes even miserable. So why can life (let's say life is something real) be so unfair? I know it can't be. Life doesn't know 'fair' and 'unfair'. Life knows nothing. Life is what we project into the idea behind the word 'life'. It's a process. Some people just live, do what they want, betray others, lie, never keep their word - but they're happy! I always try to please everyone. To keep my word is holy to me. Holy as the holy father to the pope. But always striving to be perfect, to be honest, friendly, polite, true... it's tough. I'm not claiming I don't lie at all. But my lies are harmless. It's those white lies or those that make the truth look a bit nicer. Mostly I try not to lie by avoiding a topic that would make me lie if I had to talk about it. But all these things are unimportant. I did not betray anyone in a long long time. I did not wish bad to anyone in a long long time. If I did, it was because I felt the person was mean or unjust to me or to someone close to me. I don't wish bad to anyone in this world. I want people to be happy and successful. Seriously. I mean, is my reality any better or worse if someone is happy or unhappy? Not if this person is not involved in my life. So, now we're in a recession. I'm in one since I graduated 2 years ago. I didn't have the best job waiting for me afterwards, even though I finished as one of the best at our top university. I made some tough choices in these recent years. My life could've been totally different. But what good can happen if I dwell on the choices that I made in the past? Nothing. Completely nada. I just keep eating myself up and getting smaller and smaller. Yea, to be faithful to oneself is hard. Because people like that have it tough. I think I must change my mindset. I see people with less intellect and integrity, with less knowledge and humanity having a more successful life than me. I don't want to make the impression that I measure success in material things. But being almost jobless for so long is not a good perspective for a successful life. I work, but for what I do I could spare myself the 7 long years at the university. So if soon there will nothing heading my way (and the recession is not really promising in this regard), I will lose my patience, my mind and my faith in everything.

I hope I wake up soon. This dream is already wearing me out.

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