I'm not dwelling on the past. It would be too many unanswered questions. I know I'd get very emotional and everything... That doesn't help me at all. The girl's made up her mind. Time will heal all the wounds. And I will be better as the days go by. Actually I'm fine. On the outside. But now I try my best not to peek inside. I have to stay on the surface, I have to stay on track.
I know I won't have a girlfriend very soon. I need put away my emotions I invested in the recently ended love story. I'm someone who never goes into a relationship just for fun. I take every woman seriously. If I see that someone's no girlfriend material, I don't start anything. I realized I'm looking for a soulmate. Someone who I know will always love me and I will love her always, too. And most importantly, we will be best friends. I don't understand people who are in relationships and their partner is not their best friend. My girl has to be my number one and I have to be her number one. If I'm sick, jobless, depressed, angry, sad - I want my girlfriend to always support me, stand by my side, be patient with me. Because I would always do same and be the same person to her. Is it too pathetic when I say that I'm a person who would die just to save my soulmate's life. Wouldn't you do that if you were facing that choice?
Yea, I met some fine women in my life, had 3 long relationships. My teen years weren't that serious and I forgot most of the girls from back then. And I loved every girl I was with to the fullest and tried my best to make them happy. I was 2 times the 'breakee' and 1 time the 'breaker'. The hardest thing for me was to break up myself. To break someone's heart is really devastating. She doesn't talk to me anymore. This makes me sad. But now I can't do anything about that. I wish her all the best and will always keep her in my heart.
So far, I haven't found my soulmate. No girl was a perfect match for me. And if I was a different kind of man, I'd probably break up much sooner. But the way I am: I can't. It's like I fall in love and obviously I only see the girl's best side, I project my desires onto her and create an image of her that she's not. That becomes obvious after a while when we both show some other not so pleasant traits of our characters. And then the quarrels start.
I want this, she wants that. I think it's this way, she thinks it's that way. Of course you can't always agree on everything, but sometimes it just too different. There have to be some common interests. It shouldn't be, that you have to ask your partner to be into something, to show interest and excitement for something. It should happen naturally, spontaneously. So far, I haven't had a girl who'd really meet my expectations in this regard. Of course, first, you do anything for your loved one, but after a while, you become yourself again and you realize that you expect more. You should be yourself from the beginning and that's how you'll prevent future surprises.
So, is it possible to find a soulmate? I see many people and hear from them how happy they are. But how come so many people break up or divorce nowadays? Is it really so hard, that you have to throw the towel so fast these days? A while ago I heard this saying:
It is easy to make a different woman happy every day, but it's very hard to make the same woman happy every day.
There's a lot of truth in it. And the problem is, you have no guarantees in life. A relationship can go well for a year, for 5, 10, 20 and then people break up... You can never be sure. You always have to invest in it, you have to keep renovating it (like a house) and keep it intact, fresh and interesting. I don't mind the routine. I think the sometimes dull every day stuff has its charm. I'd immedately trade excitement for stability and security.
So now I'm looking forward. I have to learn from my mistakes, have to make it better next time. I will be more careful, I hope. Maybe I'll check more thoroughly, but that's for my own good. I can't be careless any more. I don't wanna waste my emotions and time. And I still won't give up on finding a soulmate/dreamgirl. There must be someone out there. My perfect match. Where are you?
Wednesday. At home. Thinking. Why? 
