It's been 5 months...

Tomorrow marks an unhappy anniversary.. 5 months since Vienna.. Crazy, how time flies... I feel gloomy all day... Memories crawl inside me from some back of my mind straight to the core... I don't wanna think about past.. but I guess I can't run away... These days I'm listening to Katie Melua's sad songs. The song What I miss about you keeps playing in my head... Especially the first few lines make me remember how it used to be... Missing the train every morning at 8:52, sipping coffee from the same cup as you. The sharing of secrets we thought no one else knew, that's what I miss about you. (Melua)
When you think back in your life, you see all the mistakes you've made and you ask yourself, how could you've been such a jerk at that time. Later we are all wiser. When you're young, you wish you had the wisdom of an old man, when you're old, you wish you had the carelessness and youthfulness of a young person. Maybe now in my late twenties I am somewhere inbetween.
Time is really merciless... And it doesn't happen often that we get a second chance. The second time it's usually very different as it used to be. You try to see the person he/she used to be, but deep down you are scared of how he/she has changed, moved on. I think in core we are same people thru time, but we change our perceptions. We set higher standards. Maybe we are more demanding. I'm currently totally lost about my own perceptions and wishes. Especially in this days and weeks... My birthday made me think a lot... I realized I'm not the person who used to look forward to be 20, 24, 25.. 26 was still ok.. now at 28.. ahh.. I think I share this with many twens, once the decade slowly starts ending, you start focus on the 3. And you start pondering about what you've achieved in your personal life and career... And if your list is as empty as mine.. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy either... I wished I had at least 1 thing in order.. my relationship or my career.. Why do I have to have both so undetermined? So open, so uncertain? It's usually like this. When you feel so down and nothing seems to be right. Then you really fail in every aspect. But when things start to go better, then everything goes smoothly. It's ridiculous!
And now I can only hope that I start getting a better hand in order to win this poker we call life. I will still hold the Vienna memories in my heart, I will still listen to Katie Melua, but I hope with a smirk on my face, not bitterness.

[Photo by MKL, 2007]

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