This Post Sucks

I know that I have posted about Vampires and Vampire Movies, before. But I have never posted about my personal favorite Vampire Movies. Inspired by yesterday's Ghost Movie post, I thought I'd share with you my favorite Vampire Movies of all time.

Vampire movies date back to the silent era, when German filmmaker F.W. Murnau made his unauthorized version of Bram Stoker's novel 'Dracula,' Nosferatu, starring Max Schreck as the vampire Graf Orlok. Murnau's version of a vampire was a horrific monster with pointed ears, fanged incisors and taloned fingers (an image Tobe Hooper would revive in his TV version of Stephen King's Salem's Lot). The making of Murnau's film was explored in Shadow of the Vampire, in which Willem Defoe plays Schreck as a real vampire. More on that film later...

Anyway, given the popularity of Stephanie Meyer's deplorably chaste "Twilight" novels, I think it's high-time to discuss the 10 Best Vampire Movies of All Time.

10. Dracula (1931). Tod Browning made this film version of the stage play which propelled Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi into stardom and made early film-goers swoon. Quaint by today's standards, but loaded with atmosphere and some rather startling performances (particular from Dwight Frye as the madman Renfield), Browning's movie is one of the first horror movies I remember seeing as a child.

9. Vampire Hunter D (1985). I haven't really talked about animated films very much, though I should (and will), one day. This post-apocalyptic anime film is the story of a young woman who calls upon a great vampire hunter to enact revenge against those who killed her family. Of course [SPOILER ALERT], it turns out that D (no, not that D) is himself a vampire (the most famous one of all), seeking redemption for his own lost soul.

8. Thirst (1979). Chantal Contouri stars as the last descendant of Elizabeth Bathory, kidnapped by a vampire cult who want her to be their leader. The cult manages a "farm' where human victims are "milked" in this disturbing Australian film from director Rod Hardy. This movie has no connection to the recent Japanese film of the same name, which I have yet to see..

7. Shadow of the Vampire (2000). John Malkovich; Willem Defoe; Cary Elwes; Udo Kier and Eddie Izzard star in this fascinating film that supposes the star of Murnau's Nosferatu was an actual vampire. Creepy and unsettling, Defoe's performance is fascinating, as always.

6. The Hunger (1983). Tony Scott directs this adaptation of Whitley Strieber's novel about an ancient vampire and her many lovers, infamous for its lesbian sex scene between the gorgeous Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon. David Bowie co-stars in this now cult fave. Watch for an early appearance from future vampire Willem Defoe.

5. Interview with the Vampire (1994). Director Neil Jordan followed up The Crying Game with this gorgeous adaptation of the Anne Rice novel. Rice initially decried the casting of Tom Cruise as the cruel and youthful Lestat de Lioncourt, but recanted when she saw the final product. It's 2002 follow-up Queen of the Damned, was less-than-successful and no further attempts have been made to adapt Rice's 'Vampire Chronicles' for the screen. Still, Cruise, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas bring the sexy to Rice's homoerotic story and a young Kirsten Dunst delivers one of the most amazing performances ever by a child actor.

4. Cronos (1993). Guillermo del Toro's first film tells the story of ancient device in the form of a mechanical scarab which bestows eternal life upon its user by turning him into a blood-lusting vampire. Actor Ron Perlman makes his first of many appearances in a del Toro film.

3. Near Dark (1987). Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow cut her teeth (all puns intended) on this Western Vampire movie starring the gorgeous Adrian Pasdar ("Heroes"), Bill Paxton and Lance Hendrickson. A tale of evil, love and redemption, Bigelow's film was one of the first to bring the genre into to the late 20th century.

2. 30 Days of Night (2007). Director David Slade (Hard Candy) adapts the graphic novel about an Alaskan town under siege by ruthless vampires during a month of arctic darkness. Cruel, relentless and hardcore, the vampires in 30 Days... are (thankfully) about as far from Stephanie Meyer's "sparkling" twinks as one can get.

1. Let the Right One In (2008). This Swedish film took the genre by storm two years ago with its tale of an ancient child vampire ostensibly helping out a bullied young boy, but who is actually on the prowl for a replacement for her aging human thrall. Based on the novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist (who also wrote the screenplay), Let the Right One In has been remade by Cloverfield director Matt Reeves and from all advance accounts, it's actually a remake worth the re-making.
Let Me In is due for release this October.

Honorable mentions: The Lost Boys; Martin; Fright Night; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Blade II.

I know this will not be the last time Uncle P posts about vampires. Some things just never get old (literally).

More, anon.
Prospero

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Yet Another Remake I Want to See

I loved Let the Right One In, the Swedish vampire movie that took the Indie Horror world by storm in 2008. Smart, scary and very original, Let the Right One In was the much-needed antithesis to those godawful Twilight movies. The story of a bullied young boy befriended by a child vampire was both horrifying and sweet, even though we knew (SPOILER ALERT) she was only using him in a ploy to replace her aging human thrall.

Of course, the inevitable American remake was announced almost immediately and horror fans were skeptical, at best. But, director Matt Reeves had already proven himself with the J.J. Abrams-produced Cloverfield and from everything I've seen so far (especially the trailer embedded below), I think he may actually be up to the task.

Starring Chloe Moretz (Kick-Ass' foul-mouthed Hit-Girl) and Kodi Smit-McPhee (The Road), Reeves' take on the novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist looks like it might actually live up to the original. "Six Feet Under" alum and Oscar nominee Richard Jenkins, co-stars.

As a fan of both subtle and overt Horror movies, I can see myself having a grand time at the movies this fall. Saw 3D may a built-in fan base, but so does Let Me In. I imagine it will be no contest when it comes to horror fans' Halloween movie picks.

This Summer may have sucked when it came to movies, though it looks like Fall and Winter hold all sorts of promising surprises.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Suckers

Please forgive your Uncle P if I'm covering a topic I've discussed before, but Vampires are really hot right now and I find myself inundated with promos for books, movies, TV shows and graphic novels that share this common theme.

To your right is a screen grab from the infamously gay (and very hot) video for Lady Gaga's "Teeth," directed by Sergio Cerrone. The original post has since been removed from TouTube, but I just watched it again here. And I've embedded another YouTube version below (though I can't guarantee how long it will be available for viewing). I imagine Gaga herself must have approved of this video. It's certainly in keeping with her style and philosophy.

I don't know exactly who is responsible for the recent rash of vampires in current media. I suspect that the insipid Stephanie Meyer Twilight series has something to do with it, though I have to mention Alan Ball's HBO series "True Blood" and the CW series "The Vampire Diaries" as contributors to the phenomenon. And recent vampire films such as Let the Right One In (and its soon-to-be released American remake Let Me In), Daybreakers and the upcoming Stakeland are also indicative of the trend. Hell - I've even written my own musical version Dracula, called "Children of the Night." I'm still looking for a composer for the show - my original composer bailed because she felt she wasn't up to the task, but the three or four melodies she did write were magnificent.*

Why are vampires so hot right now? I'm not sure. They've never really gone out of style, as far as I can tell. Vampires in modern times have come to be associated with sex, more than horror (and I'm not going to go into the whole psychological associations tonight - I've already done that, and probably will again). Bottom line: times are tough. People are losing their jobs, their homes and their investments. When times are tough, people turn to escapism. Modern vampires represent youth, sex and power - all the things that seem to be slipping away in these turbulent times. If we can hold onto those things forever - so much the better. And unlike their undead brethren, Zombies, Vampires don't seem to have the whole "rotting, stinking, green-blue flesh" thing going on.

Even traditional network TV has jumped on the bandwagon. ABC has a new show premiering next month called "The Gates," starring "Boston Legal" alum Rhona Mitra, about a community of Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and assorted supernatural beasties. Think of it as "Desperate Vampires." Here's a teaser preview:

ABC doesn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to genre shows - my guilty pleasure of last season, "Eastwick," is a prime example. And the teaser above certainly has a "cheese" factor that doesn't exactly bode well for more than a 12 episode summer run. Still - they may fool me. After all, "Dark Shadows" ran daily for 4 years on ABC Daytime in the late '60's (but don't get me started on the proposed Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie version).

I suppose that as long as people fantasize about eternal youth, sex and power, vampires will remain a staple of popular culture. And honestly, I can't really imagine people not fantasizing about eternal youth, sex and power. It's only (in)human nature...

Finally, as promised, here's that gay vampire video for "Teeth:"

More, anon.
Prospero

*On a side note, if you know someone who might be interested in collaborating as a composer, please let me know.

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Vampires Do NOT Sparkle! or: Why I Hate Stephanie Meyer

The English word "Vampire" was first recorded in 1734 (look it up), though it's Eastern European variations probably appear much earlier than that. The first true vampire novel, The Vampyre, was written by John Polidori during the same sex and drug infused summer of 1819 in which Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus. The Vampyre would later inspire Scottish playwright and novelist Bram Stoker to write the quintessential Gothic Horror novel, Dracula: as well as hundreds of other authors and screenwriters who came after him.

Traditionally, a vampire is an evil, undead creature that sustains its existence through the drinking of human blood. Creatures of the night, vampires (or beings like them) seem to exist in most cultures' folklore. Indeed, alternate versions of the Old Testament include the story of Lilith (or Lakme; Lamia or any variation thereof) who was the real first woman; made of Earth, as was Adam. Spurned by Adam, Lilith turned to "The Dark Side" and she and her children stalked the children of Adam and Eve in their quest for blood and eternal life.

Throughout historic folklore and most 20th Century literature and films, the vampire was a monster to be feared and reviled. And while the actions of a vampire were, if not overtly then certainly subconsciously (especially during the Victorian era, in which Dracula was written), sexual in nature -- penetration of the flesh; exchange of bodily fluids -- they were still considered horrific, if not downright evil.

Then the free-wheeling 70's came along and in 1973, author Anne Rice created Lestat de Lioncourt; a depressed vampire and Louis de Pointe du Lac; a vampire with a conscience. Lestat is the anti-hero of Rice's Vampire Chronicles, a series of novels which details her version of the history of vampires, dating back to ancient Egypt when Akasha (Rice's Queen of the Vampires) creates the race of omnisexual blood suckers. And thus was born the Romantic Vampire genre.

While Rice's over-blown (and overly verbose) novels turned the subconsciously sexual vampire into the overtly sexual vampire, it would be another 30 years before Mormon author Stephanie Meyer would ruin the genre forever. Twisting the genre into a Mormon parable about sexual abstinence, Meyer's books (and the subsequent films) in the Twilight series turned vampires into fey creatures who feed off the blood of animals so as not to kill humans, while falling in love with hopelessly romantic teenagers who find the prospect of of superhuman powers and eternal life to be the most romantic thing, ever. And while traditional vampires cannot stand the light of the Sun, often decaying rapidly or even bursting into flame when exposed, Meyer's vampires merely "sparkle." Please.

While I have never read the Twilight novels, nor seen the movies on which they are based, I tried reading Ms. Meyer's first "adult" novel, The Host. And while I found the concept intriguing (an alien invasion story told from the point of view of an alien inhabiting the body of a human woman who fights back), Meyer's writing is... How can I put this delicately? I can't. Her writing stinks. Trite, ineffective and downright boring, The Host is probably one of the worst novels I've ever tried to read. I got through the first three chapters before putting it away out of both both boredom and disgust. Someone really thought this woman's work was worth publishing? And no one realized that the whole Twilight series was actually a Mormon diatribe on abstinence? Honestly? I've read 15th Century pamphlets on biology that make more sense.

So, you may well be asking yourself what prompted this post, in first place. And even if you aren't, I'm going to tell you. It was the YouTube video below (via) that made me wish Stephanie Meyer had never been born. Behold British video blogger Nutty Madam's response to the latest Twilight movie trailer:

IMHO, "Nutty Madam" is need of some serious psychological help. Honestly, if you get this worked up about a movie trailer (or even an entire movie), you need to get a life. Yes, I get excited about movies and movie trailers. Yes, I love a good movie, no mater what its genre. But if I ever get this worked up about about any movie (good, bad or mediocre), please shoot me. I'll even leave a note explaining why you shouldn't be prosecuted.

Thankfully, films like 30 Days of Night and Let the Right One In, continue the tradition of the vampire as monster. I, for one, would hate to see these Creatures of the Night denigrated to creepy, flat-faced, hairless twinks who simply 'sparkle' when exposed to sunlight. Honestly, how gay is that?

More, anon.
Prospero

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Bringing Back the Bite

I know that 2009 has 28 days left, but here's the first movie I want to see in 2010: Daybreakers. If you haven't heard, it takes place in a near-future where vampires have taken over the world and the supply of human blood is on the verge of extinction. As vampire scientists race to find an artificial blood substitute, the last vestiges of humanity struggle to survive.

Meanwhile, a cure for vampirism is discovered and the world must choose between a normal, human lifespan, or an eternity of starvation. No teen angst; no sparkling; no greasy flat-faced creeps elevated to obsession status by 13 year-old girls and 35 year-old cougettes (yes I just made up a new word - use it, but credit me, bitches). No hunky, tattooed werewolves; no romantic guilt. In fact, there is not one single mopey, mumbling Emo child in the whole damned picture - thank the gods!

Written and directed by Aussie brothers Michael and Peter Spierig (Undead), the movie stars Sam Neill (Jurassic Park); Willem Dafoe (Antichrist; Spider-Man; Wild at Heart) and Ethan Hawke* (Gattaca; Dead Poets Society).

As I've said before, I blame Anne Rice for the whole Romantic Vampire phenomena, but am thankful for films like this, Let the Right One In and 30 Days of Night for reminding us of what monstrous beings vampires are.

Hell, I was sold when I heard the Pet Shop Boys' cover of Kate Bush's "Running Up that Hill." I just hope a January release doesn't mean it sucks (and not in the good way). The good folks at i09 have more here.

By the way, my Favorite Movies of 2009, my Favorite Movies of the Decade and my 2009 Movie Preview are all coming soon.

*And here's my snark for the day - I have it on the personal authority of someone who has met him, Ethan is not the most regular bather... ew!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Suck It!

How telling is it that when I went in search of this image, the word "gay" was part of the url? Anyway, I'm sure you've guessed by now... tonight's Shocktober post is about those Euro-trash imports, Vampires.



They've been a part of most cultures (or creatures much like them) as long as there have been cultures. It took a Victorian era Scotchman, writing a definitive Gothic horror story, to turn the monster into a tragically flawed romantic anti-hero. No, of course Stoker didn't do that. But he started it. It would be almost another 100 years before Anne Rice came along and finished the job for him. And, with a few exceptions, it's been downhill, ever since.



The inspiration for this post was a quote from an Esquire article (via): "Vampires have overwhelmed pop culture because young straight women want to have sex with gay men."



Whaaaa....??!!?? Really? Hmmm... not because gay men want to have sex with gay men? Really? I may be a zombie guy, but I was a vampire guy first. And I gotta be honest with you. Vampires are pretty gay, but I don't know any straight girl who wants to sleep with a gay boy. I do know a gal (a dear friend who shall remain nameless) who desperately wants to be in the same room as two guys having sex, proving the exception to the rule about straight guys and lesbians vs. straight women and gay men. Straight girls are drawn to gay boys as protectors and confidantes. We're "safe" for them. If a gal wants a vampire, she wants it for the same reason a guy does: vampires are hot (well, most of the time). Not here. Or here.



But, they can be pretty damned hot here:

And, in a shout out to my Sisters who read this blog (and to throw a bone the str8 boys' way), here (Clip NOT Safe for Work):

And even here:

What happened to you, Joel Schumacher? You used to make good (okay - not terrible) movies.



Of course, the quote from Esquire is referring to this mess:

I love that there were people at this year's ComiCon wearing signs that said: "Twilight Ruined ComiCon." And I really don't get Pattison at all. Flat-faced, greasy-haired and pasty. When was that ever sexy? Yuck! Hell, I'd do Langella before I'd even think about doing that little twit. But, in all fairness, the only boys I know that glitter are gay... hmmm. Ms. Meyer's Mormon pro-abstinence propaganda seems like a particular slap in the face to a sub-genre that has always relied on sex (and I'll get to that topic, shortly).



Anyway I prefer my vampires like this:

Or this:

In the end, a vampire is all about penetration and the exchange of bodily fluids. Sound familiar? Yes, it's also the allure of eternal youth, power and mystery, but all of those can be boiled down to sex, as well. And we all know by now, that sex sells. Gay, straight, bi or Furry, sex (like birth and death) is one of those common denominators that tie us all together, whether we like to admit it or not. I am looking forward to the day when the vampire becomes a monster, again, rather than a pale simpering boy wearing glitter gel.



More terrors, anon.

Prospero

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DVD Review: "Deadgirl" & "Grace"

I know I promised a review of Trick 'r Treat, and I promise that it is coming. I just didn't expect every retailer in my area to be out of it already. That's what I get for not pre-ordering. Live and learn.

Anyway, to make up for it, I'm reviewing two movies that generated a lot of festival buzz this year and are now both available on DVD.

First up, last year's Deadgirl, a twisted little indie film about two high school buddies, J.T. (Noah Segan) and Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez). J.T. is the cigarette smoking Rebel Without a Cause type while Rickie is the introspective boy with an Emo haircut, still pining for the love of his first kiss, JoAnn (Candice Accola). While skipping school, the two break into the conveniently close-by abandoned insane asylum for some beer drinking and wanton vandalism. While exploring the tunnels which run between buildings, they come across a girl bound and chained to table and covered in plastic. Horrified, sensitive Rickie wants to cut her loose and take her to the hospital, but J.T. snaps for some reason and insists they "keep her" for themselves as a sex slave. To make things worse, J.T. discovers that she isn't quite as alive as they thought she was. Naming her Deadgirl, J.T. starts to invite a few other outcasts to play and of course, invites a whole sh*tstorm of trouble along with them. When JoAnn's football jock boyfriend is tricked into getting his penis bitten by Deadgirl (a long story), J.T. also realizes that the increasingly-decaying Deadgirl can produce more of her kind and thus can be replaced with a fresher, hotter girl.

I wanted to like this movie a lot more than I did, though I certainly liked it more than the friends with whom I watched it. The performances by the mostly young, unknown cast were mostly fine (if a bit rough around some edges). The movie could have either been 15 minutes shorter, or gotten to the goods a lot sooner, allowing for more mayhem in the third act. Writer Trent Haaga has a long list of acting credits for a whole bunch of horror movies no-one's ever heard of, and while his premise is interesting, it attempts to address too many issues and leaves too many unanswered questions. Deadgirl doesn't know if it wants to be a story about sexual awakening; sexual perversion; teen-angst; necrophilia; dis-associative personality disorders or zombies. It didn't matter to me that we never discover who put Deadgirl in that room, because we know why. What bothered me most, was that we only discover the final fate of a few characters, which perhaps was the filmmakers' way of leaving room for a sequel, but a very unsatisfying way of ending a film. ** (Two Out of Four Stars)

We took a break, had a smoke by the fire and another drink, and settled in to watch our second movie, Grace. The feature debut of director Paul Solet, Grace stars Jordan Ladd (Cabin Fever) as Madeline, a woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother. Several weeks before she is due, Madeline and her husband are in a car accident and both Madeline's husband and unborn daughter are killed. For reasons only known to herself, Madeline decides to carry the baby to term and when her former lover/midwife Patricia ("4400" and "Supernatural" alumnus Samantha Ferris) delivers the baby, she hands it over to its mother, who somehow wills the baby to life. Grace is, by all appearances, a beautiful baby girl. But we know there's something very wrong here. Grace won't drink milk. Grace drinks... can you all say it with me?... blood. And not just any blood, mind you. Sore from nursing a vampire/zombie baby, vegetarian Madeline buys a whole sh*tload of red meat, draining the blood from each package into Grace's bottle. Grace (naturally) promptly projectile vomits the beef blood all over her frustrated and soon-to-be-anemic mother. No, only human blood will do.

Add an over-bearing mother-in-law who is a Criminal Court Judge, an OBGYN in said Judge's pocket, rampant lesbian jealousy and some rather disturbing images, and you have another smart little film that was either 15 minutes too long or needed to get on with it sooner. Ladd is terrific as the obsessed mother, willing to go to any and every length to ensure her child's well-being. And Gabrielle Rose ("Eureka," Jennifer's Body) gives an extraordinary performance as a grieving mother determined to go to any lengths to ensure her grandchild's well-being.

Echoing the Larry Cohen classic It's Alive (we'll talk about that movie again, I'm sure), Grace addresses the stereotypical fears of the new mother, adding a rather grim (and often disgusting) twist. Grace smells. Grace bleeds when bathed. Grace attracts flies. Grace draws blood when she nurses. How many more signs does a mother need? And how far is a mother willing to go to keep her child alive? As I am sure every mother reading this (are there any?) would tell you, pretty f*cking far. I just wished they would have gotten there sooner. A touch more mayhem and little less introspection would have made Grace a lot more interesting. **1/2 (Two and a Half Out of Four Stars)

More terrors (and a Trick 'r Treat review -- I promise), anon.
Prospero

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