Tonight saw the 68th Annual Hollywood Foreign Press Association's Golden Globe Awards, which supposedly honor the best in both movies and television. Since they are the first awards given during "award season," many people consider them to be indicators of how the AMPAS voters will choose the winners of the Oscars. To which I say: Feh!
Why do I say this? Two words: Pia Zadora. Yes, Pia Zadora. Does anyone remember her? Way back in 1982, Pia won a Golden Globe as Most Promising Newcomer (an award which is no longer given, by the way) for her work in the truly awful Southern potboiler Butterfly. A true stinker of a film, Butterfly is basically about the incestuous relationship between an Arizona farmer (Stacy Keach) and his daughter (Zadora). A wretched train wreck of a film, co-starring Orson Welles as a bellicose judge, Butterfly had yet to be screened by anyone when Zadora won her award. It turned out that her husband Meshulam Riklis (who was 31 years older than she was when they married), actually paid members of the HFPA to vote for her. The scandal nearly scuttled the Golden Globes for good.
So tonight, while I watched the first two hours of this year's Golden Globes (mostly to see just how catty host Ricky Gervais would be), I couldn't help but think of Pia Zadora and her completely undeserved award. And of course, Gervais delivered the goods, taking jibes at certain Scientologistsnot in attendance and the most recent scandal involving tickets to Cher's show in Vegas.
Still doubting? Then take a gander at Zadora's "Award-Winning" performance:
Zadora would go on to be in the film adaptation of Harold Robbins' The Lonely Ladyand later make a hilarious appearance as a beatnik artist in John Waters' 1998 Hairspray. She also had a small role in The Naked Gun 33 1/3, but has since gone on to be a rather minor footnote in Entertainment History. I should also point out that as a child, she appeared in the horrendous Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, though the hilarious folks at MST3K have already skewered that movie - My favorite line? "Pills for breakfast? What are we, Judy Garland?"
So, while favorites like "Glee," The King's Speech and The Social Network may have won Golden Globes tonight, I'll wait until the real awards are given out later this year.
Before I start tonight's post, I just wanted to let everyone know that Mom was released from the hospital this afternoon and should be fine, as long she eats when she's supposed to. A nutritionist is scheduled to give her a weekly meal plan and you can make sure I'll be hounding her. Thanks again to everyone to expressed their concerns and sent their good wishes both here and on Facebook. You guys are the best!
Anyway - on with tonight's post.
With the Academy Awards just two weeks away, I thought it was time Uncle P started his own movie awards. While no one is likely to pick them up in person, and that statue of Ariel (the "tricksey spirit" from The Tempest, NOT the Disney cartoon mermaid) is far too big to carry in real-life, its still fun to pretend. And isn't that what the movies are all about, anyway?
So without further ado (or rather with Much Ado About Nothing), here are the winners of The First Annual Caliban's Revenge Ariel Awards:
Best Digital Performance
The Nominees:
Billy Crudup in Watchmen Zoe Saldana in Avatar Jason Cope in District 9 Jim Carrey in A Christmas Carol
And the Ariel goes to:
Jason Cope in District 9. While he also played a human character, Cope stood in for almost every "Prawn" in the movie, helping to make ugly, insectoid aliens sympathetic creatures who we came to came more about than most of the humans in the picture.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Horror Movie The Nominees:
Jordan Ladd in Grace Alison Lohman in Drag Me to Hell Lorna Raver in Drag Me to Hell Isabelle Fuhrman in Orphan Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer's Body
And the Ariel goes to:
Jordan Ladd in Grace. As the obsessive mother who wills her dead baby back to life, only to discover little Grace has become a vampire, Ladd gives the kind of performance most actresses would kill for. Intense and completely believable, Ladd's Madelaine is a woman trying to hold on to her sanity amidst insane circumstances.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Horror Movie
The Nominees:
Adam Brody in Jennifer's Body Justin Long in Drag Me to Hell Woody Harrelson in Zombieland James Marsden in The Box Micah Sloat in Paranormal Activity
And the Ariel goes to:
Justin Long in Drag Me to Hell. Long started his film career in the underrated Jeepers Creepers, but is probably best known at the Mac in Apple's Mac vs. PC commercials. He was also the nerdy computer geek in Live Free or Die Hard. But just take a look at his face in the last shot of Drag Me... and you'll know just how good an actor he can be.
Best Horror Movie
The Nominees:
Drag Me to Hell Trick 'r Treat Grace Zombieland Orphan
And the Ariel goes to:
Trick 'r Treat. This was a close call, and Drag Me to Hell almost won, but Trick 'r Treat was just so much more fun... Officially released in 2008, Michael Dougherty's Halloween anthology didn't see wide distribution until this year's DVD release. Funny, smart, original and actually scary, Trick 'r Treat is the kind of movie I hope to write, someday.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Sci-Fi Movie
The Nominees:
Zachary Quinto in Star Trek Karl Urban in Star Trek Sharlto Copely in District 9 Sam Rockwell in Moon Jackie Earle Haley in Watchmen
And the Ariel goes to:
It's a tie! Jackie Earle Haley in Watchmen and Sharlto Copely in District 9. Former child star Haley is brilliant as the dysfunctional superhero Rorschach in Zack Snyder's adaptation of the supposedly "unfilmable" graphic novel, while Copely makes a stunning acting debut as the dorky cubicle nerd who suddenly finds himself the victim of circumstances beyond his control in Neill Blomkamp's brilliant feature debut. Two performances worth seeing again.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Sci-Fi Movie
The Nominees:
Zoe Saldana in Star Trek Sigourney Weaver in Avatar Rose Byrne in Knowing Patricia Clarkson in Phoebe in Wonderland Carla Cugino in Watchmen
And the Ariel goes to:
Zoe Saldana in Star Trek. As Communications Officer Nyota Uhoru, Saldana is both smart and sexy, imbuing the role with a sassyness Nichelle Nichols never could have imagined.
Best Sci-Fi Movie
The Nominees:
District 9 Watchmen Star Trek Surrogates Moon
And the Ariel goes to:
Moon. Duncan Jones' debut film harkens back to the great Sci-Fi of the early 70's, proving that Science Fiction doesn't have to be about explosions, lasers and robots to be both stunning and effective. Sam Rockwell's briliant performance combined with Nathan Parker's smart screenplay make for a powerful, quiet film about what it means to be human in an age when humanity has come to mean less than it should.
Best Director of a Horror, Fantasy and/or Sci-Fi Movie
The Nominees:
J.J. Abrams for Star Trek Sam Raimi for Drag Me to Hell Michael Dougherty for Trick 'r Treat Neill Blomkamp for District 9 Duncan Jones for Moon
And the Ariel goes to:
J.J. Abrams for Star Trek. Making a new version (or "reboot") of a classic is never an easy task, but Abrams film manages to be both original and faithful to its source material - something both fans and critics were ready to rip apart, but were unable to do so. The second most fun I had at the movies this year, Star Trek is undoubtedly the start of a franchise which I look forward to seeing more of.
Finally, the Moon Calf Award - The Worst Horror, Sci-Fi and/or Fantasy Movie of the Year:
The Nominees:
The Unborn Avatar Paranormal Activity The Final Destination Terminator: Salvation Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Game Push Knowing Tooth Fairy Aliens in the Attic 2012 X-Men Origins - Wolverine
Paranormal Activity. What a close call -- there were so many bad genre films to choose from this year. But the overrated and over-hyped Paranormal Activity was by far the worst of the bunch. Stupid, derivative, unscary and downright boring, Paranormal Activity is possibly one of the worst horror movies ever made. An amazingly successful viral campaign made this film millions, but real horror fans found it to be silly and excessive, without any truly scary moments.
I'm looking forward to what 2010 will bring us, though from what I've seen so far this year, I am doubtful things will get better.
Ah, mid-January. And the unofficial start of "Awards Season." Each year, The Hollywood Foreign Press Association (a bunch of old guys writing critiques for the European and Asian markets), give out their version of the Oscar for Excellence in American Films and Television. Kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?
I watched the first hour tonight. Host Ricky Gervais was very funny. Even funnier were some of the award recipients and presenters. Monique, winning for Best Supporting Actress in Precious (a film I did not and probably will not, see) thanked God (though what God would have to do with one winning any type of award still eludes me - like He cares). Felicity Huffman proved herself human with a series of teleprompter flubs; Julianna Margolies and Michael C. Hall won best actress/actor awards and I was bored beyond comprehension.
It was only recently (5 minutes ago), that I discovered that not only had James Cameron won Best Director for the derivative Avatar, but the film itself won Best Picture (Drama). Seriously? Are the members of the Hollywood Press Association all teen-aged boys with ADD? Did no one in the HFPA see Moon? Was everyone so blinded by 3D and CGI that actual good filmmaking and acting were set aside? Did Monique actually believe that dress was flattering? Does anyone actually take the Golden Globes seriously?
Of course, I'm complaining about an award show that never has actually been about the "best." But still. Yes, Meryl deserved her record-breaking 7th Golden Globe for Julie & Julia, and "Glee" deserved to win Best Series (Comedy or Musical). But Avatar as Best Picture (Drama)? A bit of my soul died upon hearing that news...
So what did you think of the Golden Globes? Did you watch? Did you care? Are you as annoyed as I am by Cameron's ego-inflating wins? Curious minds want to know, as the old marketing promo goes. Leave me a comment.
